There's a certain fear in hot rodding - the idea that you're going to buy Car X, mod it in various (and often expensive) ways, and for all of your effort, you're going to end up with what ends up being know as "Oh - THAT car."
Somehow, someone didn't see the local Cruise Night Crew guffawing at your 'Pintomino', no matter the rare 13" alloy wheels and other bits from the Mustang II bin. The car below? An examplar of taste compared to the 'Pinto-mino' my cousin ran around in while converting his 2.3l Mustang to the proper 5 liters. Missing? Oh, I don't know, the twin Cherry Bombs (complete with flappers) that were supposed to add a 'big rig' air to the little Pinto. No, it wasn't even a stick. I'll see if he'll send me some 'blackmail' photos later, but this isn't far away!
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| "Dude, it's all custom...it's gonna get me LAID, for SURE!!!" |
Such was my personal nightmare; after being 're-dyed in the wool' as an Import Geek, I just wasn't capable of shutting the Bench Racer in my head up; "The chassis dates to 1958, it's not even a unibody, 4200lbs(!) of steel, no one but drag race guys seem to build them. You're going to end up with a medium fast in a straight line car with wheels that make it look like it should be faster that it is. Lame." Granted, I was more going for 'fastest RV I can afford to live out of', thus sheer capacity was more import than curb weight. But the nagging little small bore fanatic in me essentially voted for keeping it stock.
Yeah, right. Never seems to work out that way...
Basically, I'd been brow beaten to the effect that any car that didn't show 'Miata-ness' in it's stock configuration was simply beyond help, even though such luminous examples of import righteousness as the RX7, Supra, CRX and other Honda Si models, etc, rarely attain any kind of 'dominance' at the track unless modified in the first place. Don't bother sinking money into a pig, is the thought. And, of course, there's the "I got my info from [Blank] Performance Magazine" syndrome, where you'll rarely find worse information for the grassroots builder, even online. The schlubs online at least only have their own shortcomings to deal with - they're not actively trying to sell you automotive snake oil with inflated claims of power gains.
You know the one - "Yeah, this exhaust is worth 20hp on this car - granted, that was on a motor that had custom porting, custom ground cams, and oh yeah, it's turbocharged." Gains without said work? Take a guess, but I was warned by Mike Kojima himself online when I had my SE-R that the stock exhaust was fine up until ~180hp had been achieved - in other words, a more or less fully built NA motor or a Turbo version. Said 500 dollar cat back exhaust's actual worth to folks more interested in going fast than impressing 'net geeks they'll never meet? Almost nothing unless you've already exhausted pretty much every other modification.
So when I set out to modify the Roadie, I was skeptical. "Oh, this thing handles great now" never seemed to be backed up by skidpad tests and usually was uttered by a real Impala SS owner - in other words, guys with money to buy badges that match VIN numbers, not my game personally. Also, it tended to be uttered by folks more interested in quarter mile times than autocross dominance. "Handles great" to me sounded like it was coming from a guy who thought it was 'great' compared to the '65 Impala he used to have, or 'better than when I was driving to work on Big N Littles!'
However, I got my last big check in the mail, and the idea had been obsessing me to the point of idiocy anyway. I cashed the check, got online, and smashed headlong into a brick wall. Oops - no SS wheels for sale. Unlike last week, when I was checkless and three sets where going for ~350 bucks with tires.
To the forum! For some odd reason there was a set waaaaay out in Pomona that didn't show up in my search, but after posting a wanted ad over at http://www.impalassforum.com/, I ended up with a lead. I scored a good set of OE SS wheels, sans center caps, for 250.
Next I had to find tires, and turns out many forum members buy their 17" and up tires from as far away as Hawaii used a few exits down from where I stay. Atlantis Tire takes advantage of a local condition - that of having lots and lots of new BMWs and Porsches in the hands of owners that want to distinguish themselves from the 12 other BMW or Porsche owners currently bellied up to the bar at the Viper Room. Or wherever it is they hang out at. These are good sets of tires, inspected for flaws, for a decent price - 200 bucks for a set of Continental Conti-Sport CS2s in 245-45-17.
Around the corner to a local tire shop and I was in business! (For an extra 50 bucks.)
So, 500 bucks for a set of Impala SS wheels with Porsche tires. Not bad - all 'known quantities', no issues with fitment, bolt them on and go. I wasn't going to have such luck in the aftermarket. Besides which, though it's an 'obvious' mod, the ROH wheels that came stock on the SS are fairly iconic for a reason, are OE tough (nice when you're controlling two tons of steel driven by a lunatic), and are even easy to clean. They might not have the cache of other wheels, but think about it - transport yourself back to 93 and being, like a few folks, a little underwhelmed at the 'Shamu' styling of the Caprice. A little black paint, chopped police springs and these wheels later, you're standing in line, cash in hand.
Nice wheels.
My original plan was to get the rolling stock changed out for minimal cash. This involved selling the OE Buick wheels and tires for ~150 bucks, reducing my investment to 350 bucks. However, a forum member came out of the blue with an offer: "I've got a set of Hotchkis springs here with 8 miles on them. Wanna trade? Huh, huh?"
Let me look at the car with just the wheels on again...
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| Buick Roadmaster, now apparently with 4 wheel drive... |
Dammit, man, you KNOW I wanna trade. Sigh...looks like I'm heading back to Peanut Butter Sandwich-ville faster than I thought...
A trip out to the desert to my secret underground garage facility and many knuck busting, ball joint splitting hours later...
Well, actually, two trips later. I spent the first trip out lowering just the front, which was less than ideal in a few ways - handling, one, and two, approaching driveways and dips, as the higher back end tipped the front even closer to the pavement.
After getting both ends on, we have this result...
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| Sweeeeeeeeet!!! |
Not only is the stance pretty amazing, the handling is now up to par with my other modified vehicles of recent ownership. I'd regularly go after 35mph rated corners, and see how hard it was to double the posted limit. That was pretty hairy with the stock configuration as the 75 series sidewalls were just not cooperating. After the Hotchkis springs and SS wheels/Contisports went on, suddenly it just went through the corner. No drama, and we're talking a 4200lb car when it's got an empty trunk. I was running it with a quite full one.
The results convinced me that with the SS wheels, good tires, and lowering springs (stock Impala SS items probably would be nearly as good with better ground clearance), the 'Grandpa' Buick is all of a sudden willing to play when the road gets twisty. I can now see why the SS's and other B bodies do so well in motor sports despite their gargantuan size.
I think a mildly modded motor, SS wheels/tires, springs, shocks, and rear lower control arms are all this car really needs to get down. The potential was already evident even without 'appropriate' shocks (just used the stock items), not even an alignment. This is a good driver's car, and seeing SS's giving 'real' track hardware sweats at auto crosses doesn't seem weird to me at all anymore.
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| Pimpest Ride on Skid Rose. Woo not included. |
WARNING!!!!
Run these tires on a heavy car like this for a few months without taking care of the camber gain WILL result in having about an inch of steel belt looking at you from the inside edge of the tire. I pulled four different 1/4" shims out of the upper A arm mounts to put it 'eyeball' correct after seeing this, and it did mitigate the wear some, but still, message to the wise - if you LOWER a car, ALIGN it ASAP! Cheaper than a new (used) set of tires.
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I never got to finish this piece before my laptop crashed last year, so this isn't the promised wrap-up, just finishing what was to be the last installment on the car while I still owned it.
Stay tuned for the wrap up and the story on the 240D buildup that came after - aka the 'Easiest Hot Rod In The World'.
- CID
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