Project: Buick Roadmaster, Part Two: What It Is

"It is what it is." - CID Vicious family saying.

One good Craigslist run later...

So I managed to bitch and moan about what my previous cars didn't do right for me, I'll just get to what this car does so right, and why I think the demise of the classic American Full Size Full Frame Car is premature.

The Buick Roadmaster is the stablemate of the 94-96 Impala SS, the 91-96 Caprice they're based off of, and also a few Oldsmobile wagons and Caddy Fleetwoods of the same era. Mostly I'm concerned with the first association; the Impala SS is still a desirable car today and was extremely so when they came out. While Americans made do with repainting and rebuilding old rides, when one of the factories offered up a performance slanted large family sedan - THE archetypal American ride, if not the wagon variant - it simply got noticed. "Oh, yeah, we used to build these things, and they pretty much rocked."

Screw you foreign car snobs, The Dark Lord of the Sith knows
which ride reaches hyperspeed in the fewest Parsecs
- which totally aren't units of distance, btw. 

Ford even belatedly got into the game with the Mercury Marauder, which didn't compete all that well, even though the only 'competition' had been canceled years earlier by short sited beancounters eager for SUV production capacity. Chrysler saw the writing on the wall, more or less jacked Mercedes for a RWD platform and has said 'hey, the Nancys over at Ford and GM can make all the hot hatches and hybrids they want, but when you wanted a legit, 'Mercan, V8 powered Hooligan Sled, you know where to come to." While the Panther and Charger platforms are nice and all, the former lacks a real, OHV, large displacement V8 engine, and the latter lacks a body on frame design and rear axle. While that last bit sounds out of place to many bench racers, try stuffing an IRS RWD sedan full of gear and hitting highway speeds without a complex and expensive to maintain self leveling suspension. The truck roots of the design are a detriment in some respects, and an attribute in others. More on this later.

However, though I did play dumb for a minute, just hoping, through one of those 'Moneygram me 2 grand and I'll sell you and impossible ride' scams, I eventually just embraced reality; I'm a 'poor man' by most metrics. Thus I need the 'poor man's Impala SS'.

Most folks would go 'um, yeah, dummy, that's the Caprice'. And on paper, I did want a 9C1; lighter by just a bit than the Roadie, everything you wanted mechanically about the SS besides the wheels, etc, etc. I actually originally started posting under the name CID Vicious over on 9C1.net. I'm aware. I've even owned one already.

I had a 94 9C1 at the time, and it was typical; long sordid title history including taxi time. It was a 'seems solid, but only time will tell what can of worms awaits here' proposition. Maybe it hadn't been beaten to hell yet; the lack of the G80 posi and vinyl interior meant it was likely a municipal car, but never, ever discount taxi service; trust me, I've done that work, and worked for the companies that run them. If you don't know the history from the mechanic at the taxi company, it's a crap shoot.

So the Roadmaster seemed a safe bet. Never a target for most taxi companies. All Roadies came with 5.7l motors except 91 wagons. Tended to be bought by an older, better heeled crowd.

At first I just wanted the simpler, more 'working man' looks of the Chevy (who I always though partially survived in the markets by simply having some of the best lines in the business, no matter what those lines might have been hiding). And I never like having the heavier version of anything if I can avoid it, but more often than not the lightest in the line and the highest performing aren't just not the same vehicle, but on different ends of the spectrum; for instance, the CRX Si weighed in at 2150lbs, but the HF was around 1900. The HF was a dog compared to the Si in all respects, though, aside from fuel consumption.

However, that's not the case here; the Impala SS and a Caprice with similar options weigh in at pretty much 4050 lbs. The Roadie has about 150lbs of extra stuff and isn't any faster than the SS, slower in all honesty. However, if you can buy me an SS for the 1000 bucks I got this 94 Roadmaster Limited for, I'll sell this in a heartbeat. Until then...

However, there was one last concern that sealed the deal for the Roadmaster; one of the things I noticed when I got said CRX was this - all of a sudden I had a lot more people looking at me in a way I could do without. Cops. Various curious Honda enthusiasts 'of different stripes' - say what you want, but I was warned by a former gangbanger who raced those cars back in the day when they were the new hot thing, "do whatever you want to that car, man, but be careful. If they like what they see, they'll take it from you." I can pull the 'educated white guy, can't we all just get along' wool over my eyes, or I can listen to the guy from the hood that's friends with a few guys with storage units full of hot Honda parts. Hmmm...

Caprices are also cars that get 'looked at' by 'hood types' and 'Cop types'. The former isn't that much of a concern for me - I'm not planning on putting dubs (or even worse, 'donk' wheels) on my car, and I don't go for gaudy mods or big stereos, so I'm much of a concern for them, either. The cops thinking I'm some wannabe drug dealer, though, I do have a problem with. And sadly, that's a large enough percentage of the late model Caprice owners to be a concern.

Oh, CID, you're just being cynical...

It also looks quite a bit like an Impala SS, diluting the sleeper capability.

Before my CRX, I had a Mercedes 240D. No one noticed that car, unless you had a Euro something or another on the highway that certainly wasn't supposed to be getting passed by 'one of the slowest cars ever made in the semi-modern era'. Cops and jackoff wannabe racers that see anyone hitting the gas as 'wanna race?' never noticed, and I simply made great time door to door unhindered. The CRX was faster, but all of a sudden the Honda Club of Wherethefuckever would be in hot pursuit any time I was just trying to get from point A to point B in a fairly rapid manner. Any randomly passing cop thinks it's two dipshits in a race, and before I can even say 'what the fuck?' now I'm getting a citation for illegal speed contest or something.

In other words, sleepers rock. The Roadmaster it is, then. But at first, I wasn't finding a good one for the money.

I'd been looking and even gotten to considering (wrongly) that I should go with the TBI Gen I motor cars made from 91-93. Then it came up on Craigslist; 94 Roadmaster, LT1, 130k miles, some body damage. I called up, the guy answered a bit startled - "Damn, I just put the ad up! Got any questions?"

"Yeah, what's the body damage?"

"Superficial swipe down the passenger side, all on the stainless trim, and a small hole in the rear bumper."

"Fine by me - what's your bottom line?"

"Bring a grand and it's yours."

Funnily enough this was the guy's second Roadmaster, his was a 96 model and he'd wanted this one for it's transmission. However enough had been changed to where the shop basically said to just rebuild the one he had, and the car sat until he got tired of looking at it. Until I wanted a Roadie, apparently.

After getting it home and going over the build label, I found out that I was unusually lucky.

Not only was the G80 posi unit there, but the towing package (including self leveling shocks for the rear suspension) with extra trans cooler and mechanical fan. The Gran Touring suspension (better, not quite as good as the stock Impala SS stuff but not the sway-bar-less base setup either), aluminum wheels.

Not to mention the stock LT1 B-Body stuff, like the stainless steel dual exhaust.

So let's see;
- LT1 V8 putting out 260hp and 335lb-ft
- dual exhaust
- positraction rear
- air shocks (computer controlled, but air shocks nonetheless!)
- 15 seconds flat in the quarter even with dog gears and balonies

Who knew Grampa was a gearhead.

Oh, and while we're getting our cake and eating it too, it had 130k old man miles on it; I even found a Teamsters Local pin in the car cleaning it out, and it was last registered in Arizona, Old Fart Citadel of the Southwest. No ham handed cops or lead footed cabbies have abused this car, leaving such shenanigans to me! I've never seen a car eat up a bottle of Seafoam and put out almost nothing like this car did. It's like it was simply sitting there waiting for me to pick it up and make it into a down-low hot rod.

Why did I get the Buick? Well, I wanted a certain set of capabilities. I wanted a big interior for me and my dog and my passengers that would also allow for me to sleep over in it when necessary. I wanted a large trunk to swallow cargo and keep it hidden from prying eyes. I wanted decent mileage, very good durability and reliability, good parts availability, and a platform that would easily handle my needs and various conditions met while traveling.

I also wanted to be able to take the same vehicle and have some fun with it. Wrench on it, hop it up, go canyon carving or drag racing or whatever with it when I can. I also wanted a V8, preferably a Chevy. Because I'm basically still that stupid guy in high school that wants to crank up White Zombie, stomp the gas with open pipes from a few lights on the way to band practice and just be fuckin' AWESOME.

Dammit, Spose, I wasn't really...never mind.

Oh, and I want all of the Cake, and all of the Eat It Too.

Can't have it, right? Wrong. Actually, the B-Body platform is perfect for this. The Roadie not only meets the requirements listed above, it's capable of towing up to 5000lbs, a capability I'd like to keep if possible.

In less boring terms, not only do I have seating for six, cargo space for the duration, and towing capability, well, let's just say that if I ever wanted to verify why it is that you really can't just 'hop up your car and run from the cops' anymore, having a car that doesn't require much to beat up on a Crown Vic Police Interceptor would be a good place to start. 140mph with better speed rated tires and a CPU reflash to get rid of the limiter with everything else left stock; change the rear gears to 3.42 or better and be able to hit 155mph with a stock motor.

In other words, this:

Maybe eventually some of this. Towing, of course, is so boring:

Yeah, Grandpa indeed. Thing is, Gramps was a Marine and was jumping out of helicopters doing Rambo shit before you were even born, sonny - before even meeting Grammy and settling down and managing not to strangle you little sissies this entire time. He's actually pretty badass, confident, from a time when men were men, were expected to exude a little class even when from humble roots, be entirely capable, and even ready to rumble on occasion.

This, my friend, is the Buick Roadmaster. Snicker now. Or just wait until Part Three: What To Do With It.