Project Buick Roadmaster Part 8: The End Result

Hi all,

Well, it's time to send off a car that was such a good conveyance, one wants to talk about it almost in terms of a friend.

Bought off of Craigslist for $1000, minor investments in getting the car roadworthy for a cross country trip to New Orleans - two grown men, a pit bull, two lives worth of crap stuffed into one car - and we got there, comfortably, in style, plenty of power to blow past a few V6 Mustang dorks despite the huge payload on board.

The car got impounded once in New Orleans, we had to work twice as hard to both survive and pay for daily expenses and put away money for the impound fee - we had to get to LA, as there wasn't enough time left in the season to establish ourselves in NOLA just yet.

Long story short, we got back, now bringing yet one more person and their stowage (don't ask) to LA.

We averaged 23.4 mpg between the two cities. Traveling at an average of 70mph, 4200lbs dry, 5.7l V8, 'dinosaur' technology and all that, laden with no less than 1000lbs of humans and dogs and belongings.

Do that in your CRX, sir.

And before someone says 'minivan', let me remind you that I got us one of the last parking spots within any kind of walking distance on Mardis Gras day proper, and probably wouldn't have gotten it if I couldn't have gotten the crowd of drunken dipshits to part near Frenchman St. Laying the horn didn't do it - but lighting up the rear tires and that accompanying police car engine growl sure did!

So yeah, nyahh to you, too, Mr. Minivan. Also, if I'm going to be mistaken for something I'm not, I'd rather be mistaken (most times) for a pimp rather than a henpecked dad.

Not happening in Camarobird or Mustang, either.

None of the cars besides the minivan can slip through traffic as a Q ship, either, at least in stock form.

Just sayin'.

ROAD-MASTER!

The car has an impressive pedigree, and the design, rather than being 'archaic' as some detractors would suggest, simply proved it's worth and ability by surviving four decades of automotive history, and time proved the design strong and tunable for handling as well. After all, the Chevy 9C1s went as fast as 138mph in stock trim - do you really think the car is such a pig that it can't handle those speeds? Trust me, ask a cop who has driven both. Ask someone who has RAN from a cop in both.

As 'dowdy' as the stock, high riding, baloney wearing stock setup was, it was more in line with the Police philosophy- being able to go over any surface, quickly, reliably. Real roads, not race tracks. And still could hit all 109mph or so of the factory limited top speed in a little over a quarter mile.

Buick itself has often had some of the most potent engines and sturdy, durable technology available - it is in a real way America's answer to Mercedes Benz for over 100 years, the reason we have Chevrolets (Louis Chevrolet was a Buick racer), and was a middle point between working class Chevys and opulent Cadillacs.

As a matter of fact, when people would recognize me as the owner, often I'd here 'oh, you're the guy who owns the Cadillac, right?'

Anyway, once back on LA soil I was backed into in the Whole Foods parking lot. Awhile later I was paid insurance on the damage, but being pragmatic and a body guy I just pushed the dent out and lived with the fact that I'd have bought the car with the damage for that money anyway.

I was also now in the interesting head space of 'you know, technically I have -$200 into this car right now. I've actually made money owning it, in a way.'

So I ended up going what, for me, was whole hog. I wanted it to look like the Impala SS cousin it was, I wanted to handle like it was the SS cousin that it was, and I wanted it to sound off like it had a pair. The car was so responsive to really cheap and easy mods that I'm surprised they can still be had at this kind of money.

My test grounds this time around weren't Bouquet Canyon Road, which has become a rather 'hot' route for one, and for two I was simply unable to afford the extra gas money and possibility of breaking down at the time. Still, Elizabeth Lake Road west of Palmdale is a good little route, one that I drove many times on the way to a friend's house. My standard of measurement on that route - when it gets twisty, if you can go double the posted limit, you have something. If it went through without wrestling and drama, you REALLY had something.

This 'boat' is really something.

Believe it or not, there are people who would be
'embarrassed' to drive this. I feel the same way
hanging around such folk...

The biggest foe in handling is the stock 'baloneys', grandpa spec tires. I'd imagine perhaps the Goodyear cop tires are better in this regard but you have lots of weight, an old school suspension and floppy sidewalls. Doesn't inspire confidence.

However, all of this is easy to correct with bolt on parts, and it's incorrect to assume that stock equipment hindrances indicate a lack of tunability in the overall platform. If that were the case then the Honda Civic would be an 'eh, pretty good' handling car but with upgraded wheels and rubber the chassis really starts to come to life. The factory equipment was often tailored to a commute-friendly conveyance, but had great underpinnings. Why would a Buick be different?

Thankfully the stock Impala SS items and huge amount of parts that fit this chassis and GM full size cars going back decades make it very easy to get good handling out of the Behemoth. The SS wheels are huge (17x8.5"), the tires available fit everything from Porsches, BMWs Vettes, etc - you can easily get tires in this size with good life left on them used, because enthusiasts with more money are upgrading.

German Tyres!

Once you've got fat meats under the this car, and lower the mass some, the character changes and now you're driving a real Impala SS clone, aka the 'Four Door Corvette'. The Hotchkis springs are really low; I think perhaps stock SS springs might be a better daily driver setup, but they handled and rode great, and my issues were mostly with my cockamamie exhaust mods hitting, which with some real money spent on the mufflers wouldn't be an issue.

In any case, now the car was ready to really throw down.

In addition to the Hotchkis springs, ContiSport 2 tires in 245-45-17 size, stock Impala SS wheels (made by ROH), I put Energy Suspension end links on the front, wooden spacer mod in lieu of buying body mounts (worked! Lasted, too! Free!), modded the exhaust to add both tone and power (tried both Muffler Delete and straight pipes (but with cats/stock exhaust), the one pretty liveable, the latter just barely tolerable, but a hoot.

The intake was re-modified during my smog test prep to a simple straight piece of sewer pipe. No fuss, no muss, no tape!

Pictured: Engineering

To give the car a little more driveability and panache in the interior I put in a Grant 737 faux wood grain wheel. The polished center's finish is ultra scratchable - might be worth clear coating. I mean, brand new microfiber cloths scratched it.

Also, if you use any real tools in the cabin after installing this wheel, be very careful, or you'll end up with an annoying chip in your wheel like I did.

The wheel did match the faux wood grain of the stock interior decently, did tighten up the controls a bit by being a smaller than stock diameter wheel, had a nice fat grip to it which was nice while driving, better than the stock wheel. I got one because it was 40 bucks off Craigslist. I don't know why, but it might be because if I'd have paid the 140 that was the suggested retail I'd have been more than disappointed - I'd have been livid.

I also added an Auto Meter tach that went in with one 10 cent screw in a stock screw hole in the trim around the gauge pod. It blocks the coolant guage, but hey, while I was at it, an Ultralite temp guage was going to go next to it. But then...

I actually think this sums up the car's 'smack dab between
modern and classic' vibe, myself.

I'd ignored a leaking problem at the axle, and the bearing seized and wore the axle down. I started looking up the parts, but had very little cash month to month to live off of. Still needed a car to get around and didn't have off street parking, so it had to be moved at least twice a week.

I started considering my options, and while I'd certainly lived a car guy's wet dream - doubly so for a guy sleeping in the same car he's wrenching on, natch - I realized I'd missed other opportunities and ignored other parts of what I consider 'my work' messing with this thing.

I also realized that, sky being the limit - this car could be built for drag, autocross, road race, what have you. Six speed? It's happened. Totally doable. Parts are there.

But there was the problem. I needed something that couldn't become such a pit. I've dreamed of an LS7 in...well...anything, really, but made me think if I'd gotten, say, 30k for some reason, would 18 go to what I consider the most Gonzo stock motor from Chevy in modern times? Could, and then it could get crashed, stolen, impounded after I'd frittered away the rest of the money like a real fool.

And, as I've often said, I doubt that in decades to come I'm necessarily going to be pleased with myself if it turns out I'd ignored my artistic pursuits in giving into my obsession with the automobile.

However, I do think it was good therapy, did wonders for my self esteem - "Dude, NICE car!" was an everyday occurrence. Woke up behind Gold's Gym many a time to see people checking out my car, going "what kind of car IS it? A Roadmaster? Oh...it's a...Buick? Really?"

Really.

I don't have to tell you there were some funny/weird looks when they saw a guy sleeping in it. Makes me laugh thinking of it. However, I saw some of those guys get in some high dollar hardware after checking out my ride. Not like they were driving boring beige crapmobiles and didn't know a good car when they saw one. And I'll bet they could afford the dough to recreate one.

At the end of the day, it was a wash - another fan of the breed and real SS owner, Matt, stepped in and bought the car for 1200 bucks as-is, which gave me enough money to buy our next subject, a 1980 Mercedes 240D, get it registered, cleaned up, and kept the ball in play, so to speak. Without having built this car to it's then current aesthetic standard (Matt's since taken it further, will talk about next post), I doubt I'd have sold the car in stock condition for the 700 bucks I bought the Benz for. And I needed all of it to really continue rolling, so I can consider it an investment in the end result.

If I hadn't been a fool with my money, I wouldn't have had any money to take care of practical business...ain't that a bitch?

Matt's intention was to daily drive the Roadie and keep from putting excess miles on his SS, which is working - he now says he likes the SS better, at least in the 'cool car' sense!

That's as good of a compliment as I can ask for. You heard it here - after all that 'it's an SS in a business suit' talk, it's confirmed by a guy who has a really nice example of the target car.

You know what to do.

The new owner has been doing this car up right.

Final thoughts? The 94-96 Buick Roadmaster is a great car in it's own right, in stock form. It also happens to have the ability to be be all things to all people. Need loads of storage? 20 cubic foot trunk. Got kids, lots of friends? Seats six. Got toys? Tows 5500lbs. Love American style? This car is classic American automotive panache for the working man - as only we can do it. Love American V8 power? LT1 powerplant is 260hp and 330lb-ft worth of Small Block Chevy lover's dream factory 350, with a great exhaust note. Want it to handle? Give it Impala SS spec bolt on parts and it does. Efficiency? 15city, 23 highway, 18 combined. You'd be surprised at how many vehicles that can't do much of the above get that mileage - or worse.

The car has a huge, outsized personality - big roar from the exhaust when pushed, a cool burble when cruising. Big, flashy, lots of chrome, stainless, and machined finishes on the ROH wheels, which really are a cut above the usual aftermarket stuff. It all goes together like it was factory designed to do so - because it was.

If you never thought you could love a full sized, automatic transmission equipped American 'luxo barge' because you're too much of a 'cool driver car guy', you might want to think again. Just don't build one of these if you don't want everyone in the neighborhood - every bum, every old lady, geek, yuppie, gang member, OG, car guy, cop, kid, etc to tell you that you have a nice ride.

Because they will.

There are some who might say 'that's all well and good, but I'll bet, say, a late model Mini S Turbo would take the overweight pig out.'

Thank you, sir, because what's a performance build without a kill story? 

Heading out on Elizabeth Lake Road, or more appropriately, where it changes to that name from Palmdale Blvd, I was pulled up to the light up in front. A silver Mini S pulls up into the lane next to me. He checks the car out, which isn't anything new to me, so when the light turned green, I took off like a normal human being going somewhere, not a hyperactive kid out to prove something on a boring Friday night in the Antelope Valley. 

The kid hears a little note from the pipes and just jumps on the gas. I look over and he's BRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMing by me, and I saw the S badge on the fender. 

"Good. I won't feel bad about this."

I hit the big chrome foot and all 5000 lbs of man, dog, car, and trunkload of crap take off like a bat out of hell. The 350 roars, a rarely heard but great sound. No worries, rolling start, nothing to hook up here, just pure power and gearing. Put the foot down and the 4L60E takes care of the rest. The Roadie's sole two specs that are off from those of the SS are no rear discs, and 2.93:1 gears instead of 3.08. The SS is a 15 second car in the quarter. The Mini S is right there, similar trap speed and elapsed time. 

Only, this LT1 has been breathed on just a bit. By my estimations enough mods have been done to facilitate roughly a 25hp increase over stock, to 285. 

This car should do low 15s or better with the mods I've done. Now, granted, it's not a Motor Trend style instrumented test, but it is a bogey. The Mini S is faster than most of it's four cylinder brethren. No worries about getting shown up by any average or better four banger in this big, bad Buick. 

I watched the guy try, hard, to keep up, but by the time we got to the bottleneck, his front bumper was barely ahead of my back bumper. He lifted (had to, I wasn't and another advantage of a fast but huge car - you don't get pushed around by much), and I looked down at the speedo. 108mph and I lifted, a whole mph away from hitting the factory limiter. 

Not bad - a sound drubbing even though frankly the race was already 'on' by the time I knew I was a member of it. 

Eat it, Chapman fans. And this car cost less to build than a ratted out, rattle canned, salvage title Civic or similar condition Miata. And while it's possible a Miata will get you laid, you're not getting laid in one. 

Admit it - you only got into little four bangers anyway because you thought you couldn't afford a car like this. Look back over my financial figures - this car was nothing if not cheap, even without the insurance windfall. 

Turns out the Big Three were putting out some good cars all along. They might certainly not be BMWs, but then, do they have to be? Do we all have the same tastes? Can you picture Billy Gibbons stepping out of a 328i? There's a certain thing about being American, and we get it best and do it best. This is an example of that, and the same DNA is in the Impala SS, a car I've seen enthusiasts import to Japan, import to Sweden and other places it was never sold - because they got nothin' like it. 

The Big Three had some gems. Maybe even they didn't know it - GM certainly bunted on what could have been the 90's equivalent of the GNX for Buick. But that's ok, that's why they're cheap and they get such a reaction - you're in on a secret. You don't have to buy a car made in America in the last ten years to get an American car that's solid, well built, reliable, decently economical, and a hoot to drive. 

As far as project cars go, this one was an unqualified success. As far as cars that I've built and owned go, this is my favorite. So far...

"Comin' to save the MOTHERFUCKIN' DAY, yeah!"