Project Buick Roadmaster Part 8: The End Result

Hi all,

Well, it's time to send off a car that was such a good conveyance, one wants to talk about it almost in terms of a friend.

Bought off of Craigslist for $1000, minor investments in getting the car roadworthy for a cross country trip to New Orleans - two grown men, a pit bull, two lives worth of crap stuffed into one car - and we got there, comfortably, in style, plenty of power to blow past a few V6 Mustang dorks despite the huge payload on board.

The car got impounded once in New Orleans, we had to work twice as hard to both survive and pay for daily expenses and put away money for the impound fee - we had to get to LA, as there wasn't enough time left in the season to establish ourselves in NOLA just yet.

Long story short, we got back, now bringing yet one more person and their stowage (don't ask) to LA.

We averaged 23.4 mpg between the two cities. Traveling at an average of 70mph, 4200lbs dry, 5.7l V8, 'dinosaur' technology and all that, laden with no less than 1000lbs of humans and dogs and belongings.

Do that in your CRX, sir.

And before someone says 'minivan', let me remind you that I got us one of the last parking spots within any kind of walking distance on Mardis Gras day proper, and probably wouldn't have gotten it if I couldn't have gotten the crowd of drunken dipshits to part near Frenchman St. Laying the horn didn't do it - but lighting up the rear tires and that accompanying police car engine growl sure did!

So yeah, nyahh to you, too, Mr. Minivan. Also, if I'm going to be mistaken for something I'm not, I'd rather be mistaken (most times) for a pimp rather than a henpecked dad.

Not happening in Camarobird or Mustang, either.

None of the cars besides the minivan can slip through traffic as a Q ship, either, at least in stock form.

Just sayin'.

ROAD-MASTER!

The car has an impressive pedigree, and the design, rather than being 'archaic' as some detractors would suggest, simply proved it's worth and ability by surviving four decades of automotive history, and time proved the design strong and tunable for handling as well. After all, the Chevy 9C1s went as fast as 138mph in stock trim - do you really think the car is such a pig that it can't handle those speeds? Trust me, ask a cop who has driven both. Ask someone who has RAN from a cop in both.

As 'dowdy' as the stock, high riding, baloney wearing stock setup was, it was more in line with the Police philosophy- being able to go over any surface, quickly, reliably. Real roads, not race tracks. And still could hit all 109mph or so of the factory limited top speed in a little over a quarter mile.

Buick itself has often had some of the most potent engines and sturdy, durable technology available - it is in a real way America's answer to Mercedes Benz for over 100 years, the reason we have Chevrolets (Louis Chevrolet was a Buick racer), and was a middle point between working class Chevys and opulent Cadillacs.

As a matter of fact, when people would recognize me as the owner, often I'd here 'oh, you're the guy who owns the Cadillac, right?'

Anyway, once back on LA soil I was backed into in the Whole Foods parking lot. Awhile later I was paid insurance on the damage, but being pragmatic and a body guy I just pushed the dent out and lived with the fact that I'd have bought the car with the damage for that money anyway.

I was also now in the interesting head space of 'you know, technically I have -$200 into this car right now. I've actually made money owning it, in a way.'

So I ended up going what, for me, was whole hog. I wanted it to look like the Impala SS cousin it was, I wanted to handle like it was the SS cousin that it was, and I wanted it to sound off like it had a pair. The car was so responsive to really cheap and easy mods that I'm surprised they can still be had at this kind of money.

My test grounds this time around weren't Bouquet Canyon Road, which has become a rather 'hot' route for one, and for two I was simply unable to afford the extra gas money and possibility of breaking down at the time. Still, Elizabeth Lake Road west of Palmdale is a good little route, one that I drove many times on the way to a friend's house. My standard of measurement on that route - when it gets twisty, if you can go double the posted limit, you have something. If it went through without wrestling and drama, you REALLY had something.

This 'boat' is really something.

Believe it or not, there are people who would be
'embarrassed' to drive this. I feel the same way
hanging around such folk...

The biggest foe in handling is the stock 'baloneys', grandpa spec tires. I'd imagine perhaps the Goodyear cop tires are better in this regard but you have lots of weight, an old school suspension and floppy sidewalls. Doesn't inspire confidence.

However, all of this is easy to correct with bolt on parts, and it's incorrect to assume that stock equipment hindrances indicate a lack of tunability in the overall platform. If that were the case then the Honda Civic would be an 'eh, pretty good' handling car but with upgraded wheels and rubber the chassis really starts to come to life. The factory equipment was often tailored to a commute-friendly conveyance, but had great underpinnings. Why would a Buick be different?

Thankfully the stock Impala SS items and huge amount of parts that fit this chassis and GM full size cars going back decades make it very easy to get good handling out of the Behemoth. The SS wheels are huge (17x8.5"), the tires available fit everything from Porsches, BMWs Vettes, etc - you can easily get tires in this size with good life left on them used, because enthusiasts with more money are upgrading.

German Tyres!

Once you've got fat meats under the this car, and lower the mass some, the character changes and now you're driving a real Impala SS clone, aka the 'Four Door Corvette'. The Hotchkis springs are really low; I think perhaps stock SS springs might be a better daily driver setup, but they handled and rode great, and my issues were mostly with my cockamamie exhaust mods hitting, which with some real money spent on the mufflers wouldn't be an issue.

In any case, now the car was ready to really throw down.

In addition to the Hotchkis springs, ContiSport 2 tires in 245-45-17 size, stock Impala SS wheels (made by ROH), I put Energy Suspension end links on the front, wooden spacer mod in lieu of buying body mounts (worked! Lasted, too! Free!), modded the exhaust to add both tone and power (tried both Muffler Delete and straight pipes (but with cats/stock exhaust), the one pretty liveable, the latter just barely tolerable, but a hoot.

The intake was re-modified during my smog test prep to a simple straight piece of sewer pipe. No fuss, no muss, no tape!

Pictured: Engineering

To give the car a little more driveability and panache in the interior I put in a Grant 737 faux wood grain wheel. The polished center's finish is ultra scratchable - might be worth clear coating. I mean, brand new microfiber cloths scratched it.

Also, if you use any real tools in the cabin after installing this wheel, be very careful, or you'll end up with an annoying chip in your wheel like I did.

The wheel did match the faux wood grain of the stock interior decently, did tighten up the controls a bit by being a smaller than stock diameter wheel, had a nice fat grip to it which was nice while driving, better than the stock wheel. I got one because it was 40 bucks off Craigslist. I don't know why, but it might be because if I'd have paid the 140 that was the suggested retail I'd have been more than disappointed - I'd have been livid.

I also added an Auto Meter tach that went in with one 10 cent screw in a stock screw hole in the trim around the gauge pod. It blocks the coolant guage, but hey, while I was at it, an Ultralite temp guage was going to go next to it. But then...

I actually think this sums up the car's 'smack dab between
modern and classic' vibe, myself.

I'd ignored a leaking problem at the axle, and the bearing seized and wore the axle down. I started looking up the parts, but had very little cash month to month to live off of. Still needed a car to get around and didn't have off street parking, so it had to be moved at least twice a week.

I started considering my options, and while I'd certainly lived a car guy's wet dream - doubly so for a guy sleeping in the same car he's wrenching on, natch - I realized I'd missed other opportunities and ignored other parts of what I consider 'my work' messing with this thing.

I also realized that, sky being the limit - this car could be built for drag, autocross, road race, what have you. Six speed? It's happened. Totally doable. Parts are there.

But there was the problem. I needed something that couldn't become such a pit. I've dreamed of an LS7 in...well...anything, really, but made me think if I'd gotten, say, 30k for some reason, would 18 go to what I consider the most Gonzo stock motor from Chevy in modern times? Could, and then it could get crashed, stolen, impounded after I'd frittered away the rest of the money like a real fool.

And, as I've often said, I doubt that in decades to come I'm necessarily going to be pleased with myself if it turns out I'd ignored my artistic pursuits in giving into my obsession with the automobile.

However, I do think it was good therapy, did wonders for my self esteem - "Dude, NICE car!" was an everyday occurrence. Woke up behind Gold's Gym many a time to see people checking out my car, going "what kind of car IS it? A Roadmaster? Oh...it's a...Buick? Really?"

Really.

I don't have to tell you there were some funny/weird looks when they saw a guy sleeping in it. Makes me laugh thinking of it. However, I saw some of those guys get in some high dollar hardware after checking out my ride. Not like they were driving boring beige crapmobiles and didn't know a good car when they saw one. And I'll bet they could afford the dough to recreate one.

At the end of the day, it was a wash - another fan of the breed and real SS owner, Matt, stepped in and bought the car for 1200 bucks as-is, which gave me enough money to buy our next subject, a 1980 Mercedes 240D, get it registered, cleaned up, and kept the ball in play, so to speak. Without having built this car to it's then current aesthetic standard (Matt's since taken it further, will talk about next post), I doubt I'd have sold the car in stock condition for the 700 bucks I bought the Benz for. And I needed all of it to really continue rolling, so I can consider it an investment in the end result.

If I hadn't been a fool with my money, I wouldn't have had any money to take care of practical business...ain't that a bitch?

Matt's intention was to daily drive the Roadie and keep from putting excess miles on his SS, which is working - he now says he likes the SS better, at least in the 'cool car' sense!

That's as good of a compliment as I can ask for. You heard it here - after all that 'it's an SS in a business suit' talk, it's confirmed by a guy who has a really nice example of the target car.

You know what to do.

The new owner has been doing this car up right.

Final thoughts? The 94-96 Buick Roadmaster is a great car in it's own right, in stock form. It also happens to have the ability to be be all things to all people. Need loads of storage? 20 cubic foot trunk. Got kids, lots of friends? Seats six. Got toys? Tows 5500lbs. Love American style? This car is classic American automotive panache for the working man - as only we can do it. Love American V8 power? LT1 powerplant is 260hp and 330lb-ft worth of Small Block Chevy lover's dream factory 350, with a great exhaust note. Want it to handle? Give it Impala SS spec bolt on parts and it does. Efficiency? 15city, 23 highway, 18 combined. You'd be surprised at how many vehicles that can't do much of the above get that mileage - or worse.

The car has a huge, outsized personality - big roar from the exhaust when pushed, a cool burble when cruising. Big, flashy, lots of chrome, stainless, and machined finishes on the ROH wheels, which really are a cut above the usual aftermarket stuff. It all goes together like it was factory designed to do so - because it was.

If you never thought you could love a full sized, automatic transmission equipped American 'luxo barge' because you're too much of a 'cool driver car guy', you might want to think again. Just don't build one of these if you don't want everyone in the neighborhood - every bum, every old lady, geek, yuppie, gang member, OG, car guy, cop, kid, etc to tell you that you have a nice ride.

Because they will.

There are some who might say 'that's all well and good, but I'll bet, say, a late model Mini S Turbo would take the overweight pig out.'

Thank you, sir, because what's a performance build without a kill story? 

Heading out on Elizabeth Lake Road, or more appropriately, where it changes to that name from Palmdale Blvd, I was pulled up to the light up in front. A silver Mini S pulls up into the lane next to me. He checks the car out, which isn't anything new to me, so when the light turned green, I took off like a normal human being going somewhere, not a hyperactive kid out to prove something on a boring Friday night in the Antelope Valley. 

The kid hears a little note from the pipes and just jumps on the gas. I look over and he's BRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMing by me, and I saw the S badge on the fender. 

"Good. I won't feel bad about this."

I hit the big chrome foot and all 5000 lbs of man, dog, car, and trunkload of crap take off like a bat out of hell. The 350 roars, a rarely heard but great sound. No worries, rolling start, nothing to hook up here, just pure power and gearing. Put the foot down and the 4L60E takes care of the rest. The Roadie's sole two specs that are off from those of the SS are no rear discs, and 2.93:1 gears instead of 3.08. The SS is a 15 second car in the quarter. The Mini S is right there, similar trap speed and elapsed time. 

Only, this LT1 has been breathed on just a bit. By my estimations enough mods have been done to facilitate roughly a 25hp increase over stock, to 285. 

This car should do low 15s or better with the mods I've done. Now, granted, it's not a Motor Trend style instrumented test, but it is a bogey. The Mini S is faster than most of it's four cylinder brethren. No worries about getting shown up by any average or better four banger in this big, bad Buick. 

I watched the guy try, hard, to keep up, but by the time we got to the bottleneck, his front bumper was barely ahead of my back bumper. He lifted (had to, I wasn't and another advantage of a fast but huge car - you don't get pushed around by much), and I looked down at the speedo. 108mph and I lifted, a whole mph away from hitting the factory limiter. 

Not bad - a sound drubbing even though frankly the race was already 'on' by the time I knew I was a member of it. 

Eat it, Chapman fans. And this car cost less to build than a ratted out, rattle canned, salvage title Civic or similar condition Miata. And while it's possible a Miata will get you laid, you're not getting laid in one. 

Admit it - you only got into little four bangers anyway because you thought you couldn't afford a car like this. Look back over my financial figures - this car was nothing if not cheap, even without the insurance windfall. 

Turns out the Big Three were putting out some good cars all along. They might certainly not be BMWs, but then, do they have to be? Do we all have the same tastes? Can you picture Billy Gibbons stepping out of a 328i? There's a certain thing about being American, and we get it best and do it best. This is an example of that, and the same DNA is in the Impala SS, a car I've seen enthusiasts import to Japan, import to Sweden and other places it was never sold - because they got nothin' like it. 

The Big Three had some gems. Maybe even they didn't know it - GM certainly bunted on what could have been the 90's equivalent of the GNX for Buick. But that's ok, that's why they're cheap and they get such a reaction - you're in on a secret. You don't have to buy a car made in America in the last ten years to get an American car that's solid, well built, reliable, decently economical, and a hoot to drive. 

As far as project cars go, this one was an unqualified success. As far as cars that I've built and owned go, this is my favorite. So far...

"Comin' to save the MOTHERFUCKIN' DAY, yeah!"

Project Buick Roadmaster, Part 7: Impala SS-ify Me!

Sorry for the wait. Not everyone has the option of being punctual whilst hot rodding the car they're sleeping in, and since the last post I've suffered the losses of my camera and laptop, and are only now finding a computer available to read my old memory card, etc. Thanks for waiting, all two of you.

There's a certain fear in hot rodding - the idea that you're going to buy Car X, mod it in various (and often expensive) ways, and for all of your effort, you're going to end up with what ends up being know as "Oh - THAT car."

Somehow, someone didn't see the local Cruise Night Crew guffawing at your 'Pintomino', no matter the rare 13" alloy wheels and other bits from the Mustang II bin. The car below? An examplar of taste compared to the 'Pinto-mino' my cousin ran around in while converting his 2.3l Mustang to the proper 5 liters. Missing? Oh, I don't know, the twin Cherry Bombs (complete with flappers) that were supposed to add a 'big rig' air to the little Pinto. No, it wasn't even a stick. I'll see if he'll send me some 'blackmail' photos later, but this isn't far away!

"Dude, it's all custom...it's gonna get me LAID, for SURE!!!"

Such was my personal nightmare; after being 're-dyed in the wool' as an Import Geek, I just wasn't capable of shutting the Bench Racer in my head up; "The chassis dates to 1958, it's not even a unibody, 4200lbs(!) of steel, no one but drag race guys seem to build them. You're going to end up with a medium fast in a straight line car with wheels that make it look like it should be faster that it is. Lame." Granted, I was more going for 'fastest RV I can afford to live out of', thus sheer capacity was more import than curb weight. But the nagging little small bore fanatic in me essentially voted for keeping it stock.

Yeah, right. Never seems to work out that way...

Basically, I'd been brow beaten to the effect that any car that didn't show 'Miata-ness' in it's stock configuration was simply beyond help, even though such luminous examples of import righteousness as the RX7, Supra, CRX and other Honda Si models, etc, rarely attain any kind of 'dominance' at the track unless modified in the first place. Don't bother sinking money into a pig, is the thought. And, of course, there's the "I got my info from [Blank] Performance Magazine" syndrome, where you'll rarely find worse information for the grassroots builder, even online. The schlubs online at least only have their own shortcomings to deal with - they're not actively trying to sell you automotive snake oil with inflated claims of power gains.

You know the one - "Yeah, this exhaust is worth 20hp on this car - granted, that was on a motor that had custom porting, custom ground cams, and oh yeah, it's turbocharged." Gains without said work? Take a guess, but I was warned by Mike Kojima himself online when I had my SE-R that the stock exhaust was fine up until ~180hp had been achieved - in other words, a more or less fully built NA motor or a Turbo version. Said 500 dollar cat back exhaust's actual worth to folks more interested in going fast than impressing 'net geeks they'll never meet? Almost nothing unless you've already exhausted pretty much every other modification.

So when I set out to modify the Roadie, I was skeptical. "Oh, this thing handles great now" never seemed to be backed up by skidpad tests and usually was uttered by a real Impala SS owner - in other words, guys with money to buy badges that match VIN numbers, not my game personally. Also, it tended to be uttered by folks more interested in quarter mile times than autocross dominance. "Handles great" to me sounded like it was coming from a guy who thought it was 'great' compared to the '65 Impala he used to have, or 'better than when I was driving to work on Big N Littles!'

However, I got my last big check in the mail, and the idea had been obsessing me to the point of idiocy anyway. I cashed the check, got online, and smashed headlong into a brick wall. Oops - no SS wheels for sale. Unlike last week, when I was checkless and three sets where going for ~350 bucks with tires.

To the forum! For some odd reason there was a set waaaaay out in Pomona that didn't show up in my search, but after posting a wanted ad over at http://www.impalassforum.com/, I ended up with a lead. I scored a good set of OE SS wheels, sans center caps, for 250.

Next I had to find tires, and turns out many forum members buy their 17" and up tires from as far away as Hawaii used a few exits down from where I stay. Atlantis Tire takes advantage of a local condition - that of having lots and lots of new BMWs and Porsches in the hands of owners that want to distinguish themselves from the 12 other BMW or Porsche owners currently bellied up to the bar at the Viper Room. Or wherever it is they hang out at. These are good sets of tires, inspected for flaws, for a decent price - 200 bucks for a set of Continental Conti-Sport CS2s in 245-45-17.

Around the corner to a local tire shop and I was in business! (For an extra 50 bucks.)

So, 500 bucks for a set of Impala SS wheels with Porsche tires. Not bad - all 'known quantities', no issues with fitment, bolt them on and go. I wasn't going to have such luck in the aftermarket. Besides which, though it's an 'obvious' mod, the ROH wheels that came stock on the SS are fairly iconic for a reason, are OE tough (nice when you're controlling two tons of steel driven by a lunatic), and are even easy to clean. They might not have the cache of other wheels, but think about it - transport yourself back to 93 and being, like a few folks, a little underwhelmed at the 'Shamu' styling of the Caprice. A little black paint, chopped police springs and these wheels later, you're standing in line, cash in hand.

Nice wheels.

My original plan was to get the rolling stock changed out for minimal cash. This involved selling the OE Buick wheels and tires for ~150 bucks, reducing my investment to 350 bucks. However, a forum member came out of the blue with an offer: "I've got a set of Hotchkis springs here with 8 miles on them. Wanna trade? Huh, huh?"

Let me look at the car with just the wheels on again...

Buick Roadmaster, now apparently with 4 wheel drive...

Dammit, man, you KNOW I wanna trade. Sigh...looks like I'm heading back to Peanut Butter Sandwich-ville faster than I thought...

A trip out to the desert to my secret underground garage facility and many knuck busting, ball joint splitting hours later...

Well, actually, two trips later. I spent the first trip out lowering just the front, which was less than ideal in a few ways - handling, one, and two, approaching driveways and dips, as the higher back end tipped the front even closer to the pavement.

After getting both ends on, we have this result...

Sweeeeeeeeet!!!

Not only is the stance pretty amazing, the handling is now up to par with my other modified vehicles of recent ownership. I'd regularly go after 35mph rated corners, and see how hard it was to double the posted limit. That was pretty hairy with the stock configuration as the 75 series sidewalls were just not cooperating. After the Hotchkis springs and SS wheels/Contisports went on, suddenly it just went through the corner. No drama, and we're talking a 4200lb car when it's got an empty trunk. I was running it with a quite full one. 

The results convinced me that with the SS wheels, good tires, and lowering springs (stock Impala SS items probably would be nearly as good with better ground clearance), the 'Grandpa' Buick is all of a sudden willing to play when the road gets twisty. I can now see why the SS's and other B bodies do so well in motor sports despite their gargantuan size. 

I think a mildly modded motor, SS wheels/tires, springs, shocks, and rear lower control arms are all this car really needs to get down. The potential was already evident even without 'appropriate' shocks (just used the stock items), not even an alignment. This is a good driver's car, and seeing SS's giving 'real' track hardware sweats at auto crosses doesn't seem weird to me at all anymore. 

Pimpest Ride on Skid Rose. Woo not included.

WARNING!!!!

Run these tires on a heavy car like this for a few months without taking care of the camber gain WILL result in having about an inch of steel belt looking at you from the inside edge of the tire. I pulled four different 1/4" shims out of the upper A arm mounts to put it 'eyeball' correct after seeing this, and it did mitigate the wear some, but still, message to the wise - if you LOWER a car, ALIGN it ASAP! Cheaper than a new (used) set of tires. 

****

I never got to finish this piece before my laptop crashed last year, so this isn't the promised wrap-up, just finishing what was to be the last installment on the car while I still owned it. 

Stay tuned for the wrap up and the story on the 240D buildup that came after - aka the 'Easiest Hot Rod In The World'. 

- CID

The (actually) Smart Car Blog Roars To Life: a Manifold Manifesto!

I don't know if the world needs another blog, exactly; many would say, hell no, we don't. Especially from YOU, CID Vicious (not to be confused with another blogger with one post from 2005). However, I don't see a lot of people coming at the whole 'automotive enthusiast' thing from my angle, either. I'm a broke musician type and was before the economic collapse.

However I've also been wrenching on cars since I did most of the brake job on the family's 83 Caprice Coupe at age 12. My family never had a lot of money, but Dad was a regular Jack of All Trades, and Master of a Few. We had one of the most feared cars in the neighborhood, a 64 Chevy II Nova 2 door post with a worked to the bone 355. I've been a 'car guy' ever since Dad strapped the car seat in that thing and floored it. I only rode in that car a few times - Dad had better places to spend money than on that car and it wasn't a daily driver anymore, for sure. But it was formative - that, and hearing the cammed, header'd, small block rattle the windows of the house when he'd start it up once or twice a month, watching the dog go hide under the bed.

My Dad built that car with his own two hands, motor and all, chose the cam and gears ("You've got to pick your gear ratio and build the rest of the car around that", he'd say, and most drag racers would generally concur). He couldn't just buy a built car, or sign off on a loan, but every once in awhile when the cash in hand and parts for sale on the used market came together, he built a car that a lot of the more monied folks in the 'hood wouldn't challenge. A kid up the block had a father who was in the Coast Guard and there was an Audi and a turbo Probe in the driveway (this was 1987-88 or so), and the flat black car didn't look like much after Dad sold the wheels and put the old steelies back on it. The kid though it was just a pile of junk, and asked his dad if he thought the Probe could take my dad's car.

"Which house is yours, Danny?"

I told him.

"The old black Nova?"

I nodded.

"Son, there's no way in hell my car is faster than that car. It's newer and nicer, but it's not faster."

You could sum up a lot of my own life in that little exchange. Hot rodding to me was about David vs. Goliath; the revenge of the working class. Nothing worse than having a high dollar ride and having your date see you lose to a car you're pretty sure is going to be parked in a trailer park later that night. In the front yard, with the kid's bike jammed underneath the front wheel, and the driver passed out halfway to the front door, possibly.

Later on I 'got with it' and started my forays into the "furrin'" cars. With a dad with several Small Block Chevy powered cars in the driveway - mom's ride was a 65 Nova SS hardtop with an upgraded but mild 283. Dad's ride for awhile was the 69 flat nose Chevy with a 327 bolted to the three-on-the-tree, running 15x8 slotted mags with fat tires and the rubber fender lips to make them visually legal if not actually letter of the law legal. (Another trait passed down from father to son, though I swear your honor, those days are long behind me!). I was awash in vintage American iron when a lot of the 'better off' kids were getting shuttled to school in the new FWD Corollas and putting on much the same air as the little blonde bastard in the Toyota Highlander commercials. (Full disclosure: my current ride is a Roadmaster sedan, and that kid is full of...)

That kid in the old Taurus is going to ghetto stomp your ass on the
playground tomorrow,  just letting you know. You'll be able to watch
DVDs on the way to the hospital, though, so there's that.

However I, as earlier stated, am a 'wannabe rock star' and trust me, music gear can be as harsh (or even worse of) a mistress as a car addiction, especially if you had my pizza delivery guy/security guard level income. So I never got to go full bore on any projects without thinking that somehow I was cheating myself of 'the big time' and actually, I have had some great experiences on the fringes of the 'big time' music business that are so out there I'm currently writing a book about them. So I can't say I cheated myself of much, and actually learned much about false economy and the virtues of small cars along the way.

Pictured: possible daily driver. Circa 1980. It's 2011 folks.
Sometimes they don't build 'em like that anymore for a reason.

I started off with a 72 Super Beetle, had a Celica Supra left to me by my father (he wrote service for Toyota dealerships in the 80s and loved the Gen II Supras, and bought a pair after his Turbo 600 'vert (K car) got t-boned. I went with an S10 for awhile as I was vagabonding it and the combination of a relatively peppy 2.8l, five speed, and camper top was good for that summer. I put the spare set of 225-60-R14s on the stock S10 steelies, flat blacked them, and cornered as hard as you could in such a setup for minimal cash outlay, and traded 'up' to a VW Jetta that winter. I finally had what I thought was a 'legit' import that was running and driving, unlike the basket case Supra that had already gone to parts car heaven so far as I knew.

That car was really decent, actually, and if I had a few bucks to where the lack of a Japanese Junkyard 'safety net' of cheap barely used engines were inconsequential, I might consider another A2 Jetta as a sleeper. VR6s bolt in like B series motors bolt into Civics, and while I thought the twist beam axle was lame at the time, it afforded a really, really huge trunk. Like, Marshall-half-stack-swallowing-and-oh-btw-got-a-cooler-and-your-laundry-I-still-got-room-to-close-this-thing huge. I drove the snot out of this thing, it was great in the Long Island winter (FWD haters must either be sporting 2 digit IQs or just never have had to get to work in the middle of a Nor'Easter). Aside from the 'eh, it can't be fast, it's FWD' effect.

Don't worry about little ol' me, you just rev that 4-point-sumthin'
engine in that 5k lb truck one more time...

However, it was a great lesson in why you buy the GLI if you're so serious about going fast, rather than 'building' anything; the 1.8l motor was reliable and willing but produced about 90-95hp and wasn't a bolt on friendly engine. I put a set of 16x7s on but it just illustrated what the stock 13s had been hiding all along, the worn out front end. In the end I wished I'd shopped better and saved the extra 500 bucks that a GLI would have run me at the time. I sold the car and moved to Los Angeles, again. Volvo 760 Turbo Wagon time. For a few minutes anyway, I was a brick lover hummin' about how Swede it was. Then I figured out exactly why they don't build them up that much - lack of parts that aren't from across the pond and expensive, less 'bulletproof' motors when they're severely boosted, the 16v head doesn't bold on, no room for big tires to put big power down. So much for being weird and different - sometimes you just don't see certain cars built much for a reason, and it's not always lack of imagination.

And so on. I've had some nice furrin' rides, for sure. However I'm the rare guy who sees nothing but genius and the future of hot rodding in the souls that say damn the purists on both sides, this RX7 is getting an LS6 and a 6-speed! While I love the idea of an engine swap like this, it's hard to accomplish and relatively expensive. Better to start off with something already good, running, and factory offered.

Come on. You know that you want this, and that an LT1 swap
would provide. Take the race stuff off and go out hunting Camaros,
Civics, Mustangs, Porsches. "I just got beat by WHAT???!!"

I've come to appreciate the things that America did so right in cars like my Roadmaster; a 260hp, 335lb-ft Corvette engined luxury saloon capable of rending an SUV irrelevant with it's 5000 pound towing capacity, not to mention it's willingness to be transformed into a sleeper Impala SS or a drag monster. In fact, while most Jalopnik commenters might scream "Land Yacht! Yank Tank!", the car is waiting to be turned into a more willing road partner by simple things like affordable lower control arms, and actually putting the forward body mounts in so the frame does it's job.

This 4200lb car (not so svelte, sure, but do you see what a Camaro or a Taurus SHO weighs in at now? The sheer size of an Accord?) runs 15s and does the towing thing, does the 6 passenger seating, does the 20 cubic feet of trunk space - the SUV thing, in other words. As a musician who is prone to running around with imminently pawn-able items that cost hundreds to thousands to replace, sometimes borrowed, I prefer my valuables out of sight and encased in steel, but to those that need space more than privacy the Wagons offer even more seating and cargo room for a reasonable 300lb weight penalty.

These 'big' cars also get 25mpg, 17 in the city, which are numbers that all embarrass a newer hybrid Suburban, for example. Most full size trucks that have this kind of towing capacity - even midsize! - have a hard time getting 20mpg. 20 year old technology and a fat chassis overloaded with luggage and passengers still netted me 23.5 mpg at 70mph or above coming back from Mardis Gras this year. Diesel pickups would have a hard time replicating that feat, as would similarly powered SUVs, so how doesn't a car like this make sense if it were updated just enough to sell to more than the Geritol set? Cars like this were staples of the American Family for decades for a reason. Imagine what they'd be like with a few parts reengineered (and all of the body mounts installed!).

I find it funny, my little automotive journey. I turned my back on cars I'd grown up loving to embrace cars I'd always hated; the Miata (in high school I walked by going "aww, cute, is that a shifter or did someone leave their Atari 2600 joystick behind?"), VW Beetle, and Civic come to mind. As a matter of fact, I traded my CRX Si for the Roadie; as a traveling performer I simply needed more room and wasn't house bound as I was when I'd bought the go-kart. However, the Roadie handles well enough for it's size and the baloneys it has to ride on until I can afford some real rubber for it, and simply blows the (rather quick) Si's doors off in a straight line, and no chance of a missed shift either.

What the 'real driver's car' of the two would see.
Yes, those are turn downs. Gramps chugs creatine.

Now I've come full circle, back on native soil if you will. The V8 obsessed hot rod kid did the thing with the import four-bangers (and six-pots) and came back home to pushrod V8s and rear drive, and neither moonshine nor a full frontal lobotomy were involved. Maybe he's high! (Maybe? Chances are...)

After twisting my back up doing the timing belt on the D16A6, getting into the Roadie's soft, comfy chairs and cruising home was like heaven; maybe I'm getting old. But I've learned that automobiles are never anything but a bundle of compromises in several different directions; perception (does your car get the local 'Honda Club' guys wanting a race every trip to the store like my black Si did? Ever drive a car like that in the 'wrong neighborhood' vs. something like a Volvo or Mercedes 240D? Perception isn't just the guy in the other lane, it's the cop behind the both of you deciding which one to possibly pull over), value for money relative to the end use of the vehicle (daily driver? Destroy all comers (and stock parts) track car?), single or family owned, etc. Now, the Roadmaster fits my needs perfectly in a way that a more 'hip car guy approved' ride like the CRX or the 240D that came before it ultimately could not. I almost sold the Buick to buy another 240D, but it couldn't handle the trunk loads I'd put in it with the IRS (especially lowered like it would inevitably be) and while the 300D was a wee bit more powerful, it wasn't really all that much more efficient save in the city. The Roadie simply made more sense for what it did for the money and it's various other benefits. Although the 240D does make for a great canyon carver...

Call me a 'hipster' and I'll crack this f&@#ing
thing across your skull. :D

I actually like the fact that my Roadie, and the 240D that preceded it, are so under the radar. Why do I want cops and thieves (hope I'm not being redundant there) to eye up my ride? So some joker online gives me kudos rather than crap? (Coming from an online joker, of course.)

Funnily enough when many are clamoring for GM to bring the G8 back as the new Caprice, wanting a 'modern' chassis with LS power, what we perhaps needed was GM to bring back the full frame automobile fit for modern duty; a 5.3l LS V8 would net as high as 28mpg while producing 330hp and lighten the car by a hundred pounds or so compared to my iron headed car; unlike the IRS Holden chassis a (dare I say?) Ford-ified version of the live axle (or perhaps just lower control arms that don't suck?) would return both good handling and road manners and the ability to stuff the trunk with hundreds of pounds of stuff and hit the highway - without requiring a self leveling suspension system to keep the camber gain from making the car unstable at highway speeds. Ask the engineers behind the 300DT.

Not that the Holden/G8 thing isn't just tits on wheels, mind you, but while Dad wants a Corvette with four doors, he needs to be able to tow a trailer every once in awhile and use the vehicle as - gasp - a real car. That's what struck me upon getting the Roadie - how well suited this car was for American roads and the needs that arise on them, rather than suited for the Car and Driver test that's going to be handed to the BMW 3 series entrant anyway. The large tires and high stance made a lot of sense in places like New Orleans, with possibly some of the worst streets anywhere. In cases like that the last thing you want is a pavement scraping track whore on rubber bands.

Such an observation could be a metaphor for where I find myself, coming full circle. At one point I thought the Smart Car was, you know, smart. Then you realize that the car is slower, less fun to drive, more expensive, and even more fuel thirsty than just getting a cheap used japanese compact from the late 80s to the early 2000s now. I kind of feel that a lot of people haven't gotten the message that maybe throwing a 2.0l turbo four into every car (because it will magically be faster AND more fuel efficient than a V8, even though there are turbo four powered cars with 1000 pounds less curb weight or more that get 25mpg or less; they're going to get BETTER mileage with a bigger car?) and that when FWD cars and 'pony' cars start edging up on the curb weights of what used to be 'land yacht' territory, perhaps some new thoughts are in order about what's necessary right now in the world of 2011 and onward.

Maybe we don't need to reinvent the wheel, just use what we already have on the table better than we currently are.

I find it funny when people fail to notice that the Civic Si now weighs in at the old Prelude Si's weight. (Or a first gen small block Camaro, even) I used to think, 'hell, man, almost 3000 pounds, why bother with a front driver at that point'. The 'microcar' segment now weigh hundreds of pounds more than my SE-R Classic did. A 'midsize' Taurus nowadays dwarfs my old school land yacht. Maybe 4000lbs and 5.7 liters isn't so big and thirsty after all, and maybe everything in the automotive world isn't what the sales brochure says it is. Maybe the 'Smart' car isn't so much. I've even seen the one thing a Smart car actually has an advantage with fail - the 'just back up to the curb' parking 'ability'. Which is fine until LAPD tickets you anyway. Legal or not.

Who doesn't need a slow, expensive car that seats only two and has almost zero cargo room? Raise your hands. Woah, that's a lot of people.

Now there are 'smart' just about everything, from laptops to lattes to, of course, cars. I couldn't help but feel a little intelligent myself, passing mister 'C Smarty' like he was standing still in a car that cost me a whole 833 dollars to procure. 200 bucks worth of Craigslist 15x6.5s with Toyos and a 25 dollar CARB approved CAI later, I had a car that got 30mpg while driving like a lunatic all day, more cargo room than the Smart car, and vastly faster acceleration for less than the insurance cost of the 'Smart' car. No manufacturing costs like in a new car either (auto factories don't run on rainbows, people), if you're concerned with the environmental impact, and the engine was smog compliant and new enough to be clean but old enough to be cheap. The Goldilocks Zone, where any astronomer will tell you, Life occurs.

Ok, so the car wasn't a show winner for 833 bucks, but still, the
'angel choir' effect is appropriate when you consider the
automotive heaven offered compared to a Fart...er, Smart Car.

Then I sold the Si for 1500 bucks with less than that in it with all parts accounted for, bought the Roadie for 1000 bucks ('gas guzzler' the guy complained, and I just nodded and signed the paperwork. Compared to what?), and after returning from NOLA, was backed into. After getting paid for the minor (but major looking) dent in the quarter panel and having enough blue book value to not total out, I was paid 1450 bucks to fix a dent I just pushed out and maybe might sic a paintless dent guy on for a few hundred. I now have negative dollars into this car; I've essentially been paid to take it. I wonder if Grassroots Motorsports magazine would recognize that for the $2012 Challenge....however, the idea of spending 400 bucks for some serious rubber and a few hundred to fix the few remaining weak areas of the chassis (the tow pack afforded 2.93 gears and a limited slip, and the Gran Touring suspension is as close to Impala SS spec as was offered in the Roadmaster line) doesn't seem like much.

Pictured: "I'll pay you 450 bucks to take me home."
Now tell me your Elantra was a really good value.

That's what this blog is about - doing it the right way, even if you don't have much to work with. Having a 260hp pimpmobile daily driver that gets decent mileage, runs 15s, and was so cheap I'd have to spend money to break even on it? That's win, folks. That's doing it right. Being able to head to an autocross course later with 'grandpa's car' and turning heads amongst the import snobs and pony car guys alike? Also win.

Grampa Car - if your Gramps was Chuck Lidell. 

Doing it wrong was like my SE-R; 1400 bucks to buy an 'economical' car that ballooned to 5000 bucks for a car with just a cheap ass set of coilovers on it and a half finished motor swap (the 'unbreakable' SR20DE ended up with a rod knock the night I burned up the Suffolk County back roads after weeks of dialing in shocks, race shop alignment, etc...); luckily I sold the whole basket case for 2000 bucks. I could have easily been forced by circumstance to sell it for less if I hadn't been so lucky. All for a 2.0l NA four cylinder with a K&N filter on it. Doesn't sound so 'win' does it?

Pictured: Fail. No, really. Also, an e-brake drag on fresh concrete.
I was a really, really bad security guard. I was supposed to
be getting paid to keep this very thing from happening.

Fair warning; some rants may have this War and Peace-esque length, many will not; however, I'm sick and tired myself of the Twitter level of depth available on most blogs; the code to embed the photos they use in many cases has more text than the blog entry itself. I won't assume you to be some ADD addled illiterati who need a shiny object and small sound bytes, although I'm sure to get a few 'TL:DR' responses from that crowd, no doubt.

Maybe the auto world doesn't need another uppity, long winded blogger, but they're getting one, and perhaps I can offer a unique enough perspective to justify my salt. We'll see. I think that there's thinking you're smart, and actually being smart, and oftentimes they're not quite the same thing, and don't occur at the same time. I like the idea of cultivating effectiveness, and if someday your automotive horizons widen, the experience is just as valuable - perhaps more so. I'm embarrassed by losing 3 grand on a car I enjoyed owning thoroughly, I can't imagine being more ok with such a situation if you added some more zeros to that figure.

Fear not folks: I have some good things in store. A teaser of what's to come....