Project: Buick Roadmaster, Part Six - Stage One, "All The Mods 50 Bucks Will Buy", Part II

While turning the previously sedate Roadmaster into a brooding muscle sedan was a matter of taste (some would rather have the quiet than the power or sound I was going for), the LT1's intake system as delivered on the B-Bodies are chock full of ways to unlock power without letting the neighbors in on the fun. Most of the built-in restrictions to the factor system were aimed at drive-by noise standards and a competitive luxury market where the LT1's bad boy intake growl was a detriment rather than an attribute. So diving into the intake system offers up many places to make improvements without breaking the bank.

Porting The Stock Air Filter Housing


Cost: Free

The ported air box after 6k miles of desert travel - the Spectre
filter keeps the intake air very clean. Other cheap filters of the
type, even K&Ns, tend to let fine particulates through. On the
bottom and far left you can see where I've opened it up.

The stock air filter housing offers up opportunities to up flow rates without spending a lot of cash nor even any obvious visual cues. The front and driver's side walls of the lower portion of the box can be opened up for more flow, but avoid 'swiss cheesing' the box as you don't want to pull air directly off of the top of the PCU's heat sink, which, as you might have guessed, is there to slough off heat.

Also something to look at while the Dremel is out is porting the frame of the driver's side headlight. Anything to ensure air can move unimpeded to the factory airbox location.

Obviously, you don't want to compromise the integrity of the mount itself, but there was room for improvement here. Honestly, I'm sure most folks will skip this step; I don't for sure know if any actual effect is being produced here, but again, while the Dremel was out...though, take a look at the photo below and you can see the path to the stock airbox location behind the headlight.

The following 'porting' (whatever you might want to call it) might fall in the same category, might not. I cut two vents into the factory aero work under the driver's headlight, behind the lower part of the bumper cover. The idea is to 'scoop' air at speed and direct it to the same cavity that the above 'ports' feed.

Looking down from behind the DS headlight.

Of the two, I think this one is likely to be more effective. The good thing is that these, and the cold air source in the fender left by the factory, offer many paths for cold air to reach the the factory airbox location and thus make it less necessary for it to suck in hot engine compartment air.

The factory skirt and airflow at speed should direct more cool air
to the cavity that the factory airbox feeds from. 

"Home Plate" and "First Base" Removal


Cost: 10 bucks, if you haven't got a hockey puck lying around. 

This is a REAL redneck's car - who else but white people
would have a hockey puck just hanging around? ;-)

'Home Plate' and 'First Base' are the forum names for the factory intake silencers, the former being the big piece of plastic cockblocking your eye from all of that 'Vette Engine' visual goodness, the second the square-ish piece that goes from the MAF to the above pictured elbow in the factory setup.

Home plate is easy. I've used two items in the past - a peanut butter jar lid (glass jar, metal lid) and the classic hockey puck. I happened to have a hockey puck laying around when I got the car so that's what I went with. Ideally you'll position it inside the opening in the elbow with it off of the car, and try to make it as flush inside as possible (reducing interior turbulence/resistance) and then clamp it in place with the factory clamp.

First base, counterintuitively enough, is harder to fix. I went to Home Despot, bought two 3" 45˚ bends like the forum said, and it came to 8 bucks and tax. Just for the two bends, not the cement or the straight pipe needed to connect them, and there were no scrap pieces around at the time. If I'd have bought these, the "8 dollar intake" would have been closer to 20. I figured that the better investment of the two might be to just drop the Spectre in and call it a day, after all those panels are usually good for 5hp or so and it was only 20 bucks from Amazon.

Initially I taped the two bends together as seen in the first photo, left the MAF in the stock location, and drove it like that to New Orleans and back. It wasn't bad but it was a little shorter than ideal, I got it to fit by not fixing the air box to the stock mounts and just left it loose. It worked and since it was covered at the time by a sealed 'box' of windshield blocker (foil covered heat insulator) no one was the wiser.

Then I realized I could use the factory grommets and clamps to clamp the 'big' ends of the 45˚ bends to the MAF in the middle, which the factory wiring accommodates. The big ends will squeeze into the grommets, you put them over the MAF flange and clamp it all down. The bitch is that there's no flex in the ABS elbows so there's no clamping force on these. A good stomp of the gas and the engine rolls over, pulling them off. Not good.

So I have it covered up in this:

Duct Tape Of The GODS.

Gaff Tape's adhesive is very versatile, strong, yet doesn't leave the same residue duct tape does and is much, much stronger. It's used for, um, Gaffing - i.e. the hanging of lighting and/or sound rigs for live performances and filming. This tape suspends lighting assemblies weighing hundreds of pounds over the heads of paying customers and valuable talent the world over. To say it's 'trusted' is an understatement.

The adhesive is heat/friction activated, so when the engine compartment gets hot, the tape's adhesive wants to work stronger. Because we're dealing with a naturally aspirated engine, small leaks are pulled shut by the intake vacuum. If put together right, it's just as safe as clamps and hoses. Keep a roll in the trunk in case you get an SES light and have to repair on the roadside, but I haven't had this happen to me even though I've reconfigured the intake a few times and thus increased my chances of screwing something up.

In order to make this work, I also had to tape small end of the intake side elbow into the airbox. It'll squeeze into the factory hole with a little filing on the outside and a half round file can open up the ID of the air box a little. From the inside it'd look like this:

As you can see, while it's going to provide a sturdy connection to the air box, it could flow a bit better. This is one of the reasons I went to the "MAF in the Middle" configuration, as these sudden step downs in ID cause turbulence in the intake path. With the 'big ends' of the elbows in the grommets around the MAF flanges, those are more or less taken care of. The exit step opens out into a larger pipe, so no flow loss there really. I had the half round file out, so I took a few minutes and ended up with an intake pipe that a smooth transition:

While the ABS elbows aren't exactly 'car show' material there are advantages to it's use - workability of the material being one. Most forum members claim this mod is good for 5 hp, and while it might not prove to produce more power, I believe I have improved the standard design slightly here.

After getting everything just right, I sealed it all up with Gaff Tape and made sure there was enough tension created to keep the elbows on the MAF sensor. The SES light will come on if the seal between the MAF and Throttle Body is compromised, and if it's compromised downstream you'll have dirty air - but both connections are easy to seal up.

Spectre Drop In Panel Filter


Cost: 20 bucks

I topped off all of this with a Spectre drop in panel filter. These are usually regarded as 'cheap K&N knock offs', but K&N's specs haven't changed much since the 80s when they debuted. Spectre's filter has so far outperformed both the 'other cheap brands' and K&N in one regard; zero fine particulate in the intake so far. I used a new K&N cone filter on my SE-R's SR20DE and later found fine particulate in it, and that was on the comparatively less dusty east coast. So far, so good, and if nothing else, the Spectre and K&N are at least equivalent - which means I saved about 50% even if the Spectre is 'only as good' as the K&N setup.

The results are thus:

Adding It Up: The Sum Of It's Parts

So let's go down the list; throttle body bypass; home plate delete; first base delete; ported airbox and surrounds; better flowing air filter than stock. Let's just say, that when combined with each other, each is good for 5hp. I'd say my exhaust is good for better than that, but just for the sake of speculation:

   Stock engine:              260hp
+ TB bypass                    
+ Muff Delete                  
+ HP Delete
+ FB Delete
+ Air Filter                      25hp
------------------------------------------
=                                   285hp

That's the factory rating for the F Body LT1s. While many try to swap in a Camaro cam or this or that - much more work and expense even using used parts - in the pursuit of 'higher spec' horsepower could work, the F Body cam was designed to work with the F Body and Vette. The B-Body's cam was designed to work well with the extra half ton of weight that a Roadmaster Estate would be saddled with vs. the lighter sports cars. Even if the cam magically gave you the 25hp without changing anything else, you might not actually make the car 25hp faster. The torque curve is very important in any vehicle, but the more that vehicle needs that torque - i.e., the heavier it is or the more the application requires - the more important it becomes. Trading the luxury car type torque delivery for high end pull and power is a good idea in a 3500lb Vette or Camaro; in a 4200lb Roadmaster it's not a good idea.

For instance...

My former boss, Carl, had worked on a Hummer for Arnold Schwarzenegger at one point. He'd been driving a client's Lamborghini LM002 and happened to see Arnie's then über-rare Hummer in the parking lot and parked next to him. Arnie came out, he and Carl got to talking and then his experience at Callaway Turbo came up. Having wrenched on the famed Sledgehammer, Arnie thought he'd be ideal for modifying a Hummer for 400hp. Arnie loved the 6.2l (6.5l?) Detroit Diesel's off road performance, but on the highway the Hummer was a slug.

Carl built up the then-new LT1, 'the Vette motor' at the time, and over 50 grand later (keep in mind, the LT4 hadn't bowed yet and when you're pioneering mods on the 'new Vette motor', you pay out the nose for the privilege), he had the envy of the Hummer meet...up until he actually got out of the parking lot and went to the first part of the trail you had to crawl up.

Because getting an extra 100hp out of the LT1 caused the torque peak to move up, and even stock doubtless it was fairly stratospheric compared to the NA diesel V8, the Hummer was stuck on the first rock of the trail, and one hopes Arnie passed enough people on the way home to feel better about the experience.

The above mods should be good for the F-Body LT1's 285hp without changing the cam characteristics. Thus, not only is it the 'poor man's solution', it's also the smart man's. 50 bucks and a lazy weekend later the Roadmaster is something of a genuine, if mild, hot rod.

Chassis Horsepower! FREE!


Sure, straight line power is fine and all, but much like when I trained to fight, when you're already powerful, adding more power without some agility to be able to put it to good use is futile. The Roadmaster already has great acceleration from the factory for what it is, but the handling isn't quite as laudable.

Part of the reason for this is the tires; there's little to be done with those big balonies. However, fixing that's going to take some cash, and this is Cheapville we're living in for the time being.

The 9C1 Caprices have long been rumored to have a 'special frame' compared to the rest of the B-Body line; even the Impala SS didn't feel as buttoned down as the 9C1s did according to many owners of both models.

Googling around, I found out that that's because the factory, in their infinite wisdom - er, cheapness - decided that no B-Body cars besides the 9C1 would be delivered with all 14 body to frame mounts installed. The first 3 mounts on each side - from the radiator support to under the A pillar - are simply bolts that don't allow the flex to exceed 1". Jack the car up at the wrong spot and you can see the gap form between the frame and body.

So, you go and buy mounts and install them, right? Well, the pioneer of this mod/observation recommends replacing all of the mounts with better spec ones, driving the cost to about 75 bucks to do the whole car.

Mostly I'm concerned with the first mounts, which connect the frame to the radiator support and thus the rest of the front of the car. These are the front corners of the box; if they're not connected, the whole front is going to be sloppy. However, when I was getting a wild hair (hare? Neither one sounds pleasant) up my ass to do something about this, I was rather, um, broke. Seriously, unless I was going to be able to buy new mounts with food stamps, this just wasn't happening. Then something dawned upon me.

What's better than nothing to provide a mount to the body?

Anything. Anything at all.

So I remembered that friend had been using a hole saw on his drill to attempt to lighten a board my street performer friend uses for his show. I remembered the cast off 'discs' created by that. Hmm...

2" around, 3/4" thick. How thick were those recommended mounts again? 7/8"? Close enough. Given that the wood won't give as much as even hard durometer rubber, the 1/8" margin for error seems fine by me. I installed the pucks (after enlarging the center hole to fit over the bolts) and viola - instantly noticeable improvement in the front end's feel.

Yeah, yeah, Captain Hack, but how long is this shade-tree mod going to last in the real world?

The photo below was taken today, and those pucks have been down there for going on six months, and I've had some spirited runs on my chosen driving roads to put them to the test. A) They work, and B), they haven't failed yet. The real beauty of it? Even if they did, the car's configuring defaults to 'stock' by definition. Even a broken mount is probably better than air.

So there you go - new gauze air filter, low restriction intake system, hot rod exhaust, even a legit chassis mod - all for under 50 bucks. Car Craft, Grassroots Motorsport, and 24 Hours of Lemons, take note.

Total Cost Involved

Speaking of Car Craft, I like something they do - they pride themselves on actually publishing the cost of the mods they do. It keeps you objective, especially if you have other things going on in your life than impressing other insecure car guys with your ride's awesomeness. Besides, it's the name of the game here. So in that spirit...

Used LT1 Roadmaster                     $1000

2 Mobil One oil changes                        70

Spectre Air Filter                                    20

Rear diff fluid, gasket, LSD additive      25

2 3" ABS elbows, 45˚                             8

Exhaust clamps and adapters                 10

2 window rollers from HELP                14

__________________________________

Total                                                 $1147

Minus 1450 paid for accident            -1450

Total invested:                                   -$303

That, my friend, is modern hot rodding done right. While we can't all have a nearly 1500 dollar windfall land in our lap, it's a good reason to buy a car that's actually worth something, if only on the books. I am seriously curious as to how the $2012 Challenge rules would view this list. Even at 1147 bucks, I'd have over 800 dollars worth of mods to be done. I'd have to spend $303 to break even on the car at this point...how am I going to do that? Come back for Part 7, Where do we go from here? Or, Impala SS-ify Me!

            

Project: Buick Roadmaster, Part Five - Stage One, "All The Mods 50 Bucks Will Buy", Part I

I know that the last post had to be a bit barren and 'wordy' for most tastes, so let's just get this straight; though textually long, the next two posts boast lots of picture goodness and even two videos. This is the fun stuff - now that the maintenance is done, it's time to play.

Here, shiny shiny for you. Precioussssss....

The B-Body's LT1 has several areas that are known roadblocks to more power. The cam is one, the stock exhaust manifolds another. However, modifying either of those is costly (from the budget perspective, anyway) and of debatable legality where I now live. The cam's impact is a matter of choice, but as I've said, it's expensive to start messing with the exhaust manifolds, and you better get it right - the key to keeping the LT1 from going full on 'gas hog' is making sure the seal between the exhaust port and the O2 sensor(s) maintains it's integrity. Even then, it's a risk, though really it's not a Honda or Mustang or Camaro so roadside inspections shouldn't be anything I have to worry about. Sleepers just rock like that.

Still, there are several free to nearly so modifications one can perform when one is still stinging from the cash outlay that a new ride inevitably requires. They're a fine bridge to doing more serious mods and a great way to learn about your particular example while wrenching on it.

Throttle Body Bypass


Cost: FREE

If you look carefully you can see the black Gaff Tape Brand
Hose Abrasion Protector installed as well. 

This mod is supposedly good for about 5 horsepower and seems like a good way to avoid detonation as well. While the heated throttle body itself wouldn't cause those conditions, under moments of stress it could certainly add to the thermal loads that would. No sense in 'blazing' a path for cold air to reach your throttle body, only to have said throttle body hot enough to heat it up anyway.

There is a hose on the front side of the coolant tank shown above. This leads to the throttle body, where it passes through and comes out the other side. I'd have some pics, but it's been many months since I performed this mod. The exit hose then leads to a hard line running to the back of the engine along the valve cover.

The forums usually suggest merely disconnecting these hoses, buying a brass fitting, and connecting them to one another. However I didn't see any reason to do that and leave a lot - a LOT - of slack hose getting in the way. So I simply bent the end of the hard line up a few degrees, shortened the 'send' hose, and attached it to the hard line. Wrap some Gaff Tape around the hose where it might rub against the alternator bracket.

Muffler Delete


Cost: $10


The Muffler Delete is a now-classic beginner mod for these cars. The factory mufflers are good for about 211 cfm of flow each. The 2.25" exhaust pipes can flow ~400 cfm each. The factory mufflers are a restriction, but does that necessarily mean they cost power?

Thankfully you can estimate this easily on this engine for the reason that it's based on such a classic. Typically small block V8s of this size and tune are happy with a ~650cfm carburetor. 211 x 2 = 422cfm, which means yes, the factory mufflers are costing power.

This is handy to keep in mind when the punters over in the four cylinder/import field suggest that you absolutely, positively must go for the penultimate, whizz-bang, extreme modifications possible. The muffler you install simply has to be almost no restriction at all, or you're just not cool or something.

"This the biggest one you got? It's got to
match my giant NAWSSS tank"

However if you were to install a pair of mufflers that were 'somewhat restrictive' but were capable of 400 cfm of flow each, you'd have enough flow on tap to keep the engine happy, not to mention the fact that the 2.25" stock pipes are only capable of that flow rate anyway. So unless you're going to revamp the entire exhaust system, 'race' mufflers installed in lieu of the the stock pieces aren't going to be more effective than the 'merely adequate' pieces - and are thus a waste of money, especially on a mild street engine that's supposed to be powering a hopped up daily driver.

The accepted consensus at the Impala SS forum is that the stock resonators, however, are effectively no restriction at all and many keep them when modifying the exhaust to avoid the dreaded 'LT1 drone' on the highway. This drone happens with about 1/3 to 1/2 of the mufflers out there without resonators installed on the LT1.

Many B-Body enthusiasts have taken the above information and deduced that you could do far worse than paying a local shop about 50 bucks to have them bend up and weld in some pipes to replace the stock mufflers, leaving the over axle pipes and resonators in their stock location. This does work and keeps a factory look.

However, when I tried to get this done on the West Side (west sIIIIIIIIIIDDE!) of LA, though, most of the shops, used to dizzy customers with too much money, quoted me a few ridiculous numbers for what I wanted done, and I decided one inspired (stoned) afternoon to take matters into my own hands. Thus the CID Vicious Exhaust.

No one is paying me for my Photoshop skills, so...

I got two 2.25" adapters and two clamps at Pep Boys for 10 bucks. I reused the factory clamps on the back of the stock mufflers. I cut the resonators off of the over-axle pipes after removing them and 'simply' clamped the resonators onto the middle pipes of the factory system. In real life though I screwed up and didn't actually measure the stock exhaust. Up until the muffler exit on the stock system the ID is 2.25" as advertised, but the over-axle pipes and resonators are 2" ID. I ended up having to redneck it a little, which is to say I 'clamped the shit out of it' and fed the 2" pipe inside the 2.25" pipe to achieve a decent position and seal. There's a bit of leakage but not so much that you can tell curbside. Eventually I'll get proper 2.25" to 2" adapters on there, but in reality I'm probably going to order up a pair of Thrush glasspacks (perf-core and not louvered core, I've found out) in 2.5" size and mount them on the stock pipes a bit further up, and have turn outs fabbed up to exit in front of the rear wheels if I'm going to even screw with it. Unless I start running into clearance problems when I go to the lower profile wheels and tires I'm going to leave it alone until I can improve upon it significantly.

Honestly, I think this exhaust mod is all you need until you address the restriction at the beginning of the system, i.e. the exhaust manifolds themselves. If you're not running long tube headers I feel any investment in the exhaust beyond this is a waste of money. Oh, wait, I mean if you only care about horsepower and performance for dollar like I do - if you're a 'show car' type dude or an Impala SS owner I can understand your balking at this system. But if you care about performance for dollar spent, this 10 dollar exhaust system is hard to beat for flow, weight, materials used (everything aside from the Pep Boys parts are still stainless steel, which even some pricier aftermarket systems aren't), and even sound.

Some Impala SS guys hate this mod even when it's done with the welded in pipes - 'too much like a glasspack. Sounds like a redneck's car.'

But I'd have to agree with a random comment I saw on You Tube or one forum or another - "LT1 Roadmaster...a redneck's dream car."

So it's all six of one, half a dozen of the other if you ask me. Mostly, I get compliments on the sound, especially when I get on it. I'm biased, though. I've wanted to recapture the sound and aural sensation (shut up) of that header'd 327 screaming through glasspacks that powered my 'first car', the 65 Impala Convertible you don't know I used to drive because you didn't read my "Cars I've Known and Loved" post. Redneck? Well, we were in Florida at the time...

Again, if you've got more performance for less investment in either time to accomplish or money spent, let me know, but for me, this works. And yeah, I dig the sound. After years of sixes and fours, which are fun and great sounding in their own regard, I've wanted a V8's guttural growl under my foot for a long time. This mod gave me that in spades, and the 'glasspack' sound kind of goes with the 'modern day Led Sled' look.

Here's a little demonstration. Inside the car it's audible but not overbearing. I had to hold off at first to not blast a lady walking by with her dog, and you can't hear it when I turn up the radio but I got another throttle stab in. The exhaust, while 'too redneck' for the crowd that pops wood at the thought of billet anything, has a great burble at cruise, a terrific roar when the loud pedal is stabbed, and is easy to live with on the highway - which is more than many of the folks who've spent hundreds on their exhaust systems have said on the forums.

This post is pretty long as it is, and the intake mods from here out are pretty extensive. So I'm going to split this post into two and deal with all of the mods on the 'other end' of the motor that I've done, bringing the grand total to 45 bucks before taxes for mods that are theoretically good enough to at least equate the F-Body LT1's 285hp rating. If you're from LA and know a dyno owner that'd be cool with my making a run to prove this, I'm all ears, but until then...

Project: Buick Roadmaster, Part Four - Stage Zero, All Work and No Play

So now that I've pontificated enough on the merits of the Roadmaster, particularly the LT1 models made from 94-96, it's time to get down to business. What to do once you've got your Roadie home?

Stage Zero: The un-fun stuff


Stage Zero is the start of the build - the walk-around where you make sure you're not going to break anything due to negligence before going ahead with mods. It's pointless chasing after horsepower with mods if you haven't performed a tune-up or other routine maintenance.

My particular car had come in pretty damn fine condition; it was obviously used by older folks with a few extra bucks in their pockets, and thus was gently used and well maintained. I'm only the third owner on my particular example and the second owner barely used it at all, so I may as well have bought it straight from the Little Old Lady From Pasadena, though I shouldn't say that too loudly considering I found a Teamster pin in the tray cleaning it out. 3 body trunk, eh? *Gulp*...

Anyway, as you might imagine, with these cars only getting older (the newest would be 15 years old now), this is what you'd want to start out with. Certainly not the Gen I equipped TBI cars producing a mere 180hp that some were selling for 1.5x the price I paid, and in poorer condition to boot. Buyer beware; this car is a pretty desirable Ghetto/Trailer Park sled. Buy the car you want, not an endless 'project' just trying to update the car to a better factory spec, in my opinion. By not buying the one right down the block and waiting to pounce on a worthy example, I saved 500 bucks and gained 80hp without turning a wrench, not to mention the fact that this turkey was seriously dreaming; "the tranny's kinda going, but it's ok for now!" Yeah, sure bud, get right back to you on that.

As far as what the car DID need, the most glaring thing was a rear differential fluid change. The rear would chatter a bit making tight turns, especially after highway runs. This might have been why the previous owner was so 'motivated' to sell; he probably thought it needed a rear, but I'd already done my homework and knew that the fluid on a G80/Posi rear needs to be changed more often than an open diff would, and needs LSD additive to work properly. You also DON'T want synthetic fluid back here with the viscous-type limited slip unit; that's fine as it's even cheaper this way. This was very straightforward maintenance, if you don't could the stink gear oil produces. The rear is now quiet and the limited slip works like the factory intended.

The engine oil was ok but as I had a few bucks saved from not buying a turd to attempt polishing with, I decided to go with Mobil One 5w30 to extract extra efficiency and power, and clean up whatever accumulated sludge had built up in the last 17 years of operation. Before doing that, though, I decided to go with a Sea Foam treatment.

The Sea Foam additive/treatment is pretty well known in the many internet forums I've haunted and posted in over the years and is a fairly known quantity. I put some in the tank to clean the injectors, a litte in the oil, and the rest went into the intake elbow by loosening the hockey puck. You have to keep the opening just open enough to introduce the liquid; it'll stall if you just pry it open, though now I think you could do this really quite easily by removing the puck (or Home Plate if you haven't removed it yet) and unplugging the MAF, which causes it to run in Speed Density mode. The difference between the MAF signal and what the manifold pressure sensor sees is what I believe causes the stall. The LT1 can be run in either mode safely, as the early LT1s in F and Y bodies were Speed Density and the Mass Air sensor was apparently piggy backed onto this existing system. GM's bean counting sometimes works out in your favor instead of causing that rattle that you swear you'll be babbling about when they finally commit you...

The Sea Foam treatment can, in a motor with heavy deposits, cause so much temporary smoking that some users have had the fire department called while they were blowing all of the crap in their motor out the tailpipe. I've experienced this to varying degrees and was (pleasantly) surprised that the treatment produced almost no smoke. The plugs are a royal pain in the ass to change from what I've heard; since the factory change interval for them is pretty generous (I think 80k miles or so) and this vehicle was well maintained, and I'm seeing proper mileage, I've simply left them alone for now.

I'm still trying to figure out a doable long tube header solution that'll work with a roadside inspection; I'd simply return the factory manifolds and downpipes for inspection, as screwing with anything between the exhaust port and the cat in California requires CARB approval. There aren't any long tube headers that have a CARB EO#, and the shorties that do have been written off as more money than they're worth even by the Impala SS crowd that doesn't shy away from spending money on their ride. If my mileage stays the same, I'm holding out until I've come to a solution (or registered the car in a less draconian district) for the headers to change the plugs.

Pep Boys occasionally runs specials on Mobil One and other synthetics as 'oil change specials' with 5 quarts of oil and a Mobil One filter for ~$35. This is a pretty kick ass deal as it's cheaper than just the oil and let's face it, when you're peeling off nearly 50 bucks for an oil change, you're probably going to go with a cheap ass oil filter as a result on a budget build like this. I've managed to get both of the oil changes I've done so far with these specials.

The Mobil One formula is likely not the best synthetic on the shelf, but it's a known quantity and in case I ever find myself needing to top the motor up on the road - though I haven't needed to yet, as the LT1 simply refuses to burn more than about 1/3 a quart of oil through the 5k miles I ran the first oil change (mostly highway, to New Orleans from Los Angeles and back). While some folks are of the mind that LT1s were neither cheap enough to beat the SBC and not high tech enough to run with the LSX motors, I say they're quite a significant evolution of the Gen I motor. The wear on these motors - or lack thereof, rather - is simply amazing. Can't say that Gen I small blocks are known for being completely leakproof and burn almost zero oil over 5k miles of operation. For instance, I've read in Motor Trend and other magazines that the Porsche Boxster typically consumes a quart of oil between changes. GM engineers might have the Accounting Department Millstone hanging around their necks, but they still ain't no slouches.

I mostly had an easy time getting the car up to snuff; aside from the above, the transmission fluid was passable, other fluids were fine, the car hasn't had a problem with overheating at all so the stock thermostat is holding up well. I had 1.5 windows that rolled down, both in the back, now I'm up to 2.5. The B-Bodies where notorious for having window track clip problems and I've replaced them on the passenger side door, and will do the rear driver's side next. I have to figure out what's wrong with the driver's side window as it's currently doing nothing but clicking when I try to roll it down.

The car even came with 225-75-R15 tires that were damn near new. These are even a bit taller than the stock balonies and likely aren't helping my lateral grip or transitional grip, but have gotten me from point A to B flawlessly. Some better compound, lower profile tires are on the way. The shocks were all in good working order; really no complaints about any of the usual suspects when you're dealing with a 1000 dollar used car.

Anyway, this is about as 'exciting' as Stage Zero gets. It's so exciting, I don't really have any pics for you - google 'Roadmaster LT1 under hood', since you should still have a stock engine at this point. Although the Mobil One oil change usually does produce some extra power, this is all about laying the foundation for the mods to come. And the user consensus online is that you really don't feel the difference until the second oil change, as the pure base oils in the synthetic formulas get almost immediately contaminated by the sludge remaining in the engine after the previous oil was drained out. This is a good thing, though, because even in dirty-as-hell diesel engines like the OM617 in the classic diesel Benzes, using synthetic oils will leave the interior of your engine freer of deposits than Mr. Clean's polished noggin.

Next, we get to have some real fun, in Part Five: All The Mods Fifty Bucks Can Buy.

Ok...I couldn't leave you hanging without a picture. I just found out that the Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien preferred armored Buick Roadmasters during his time in office. Okay, I found out that via the Buick Roadmaster Wikipedia page, but only because I was checking to make sure my edits made it in...anyway, here's a sneak peek at a slightly more prestigious 94 Roadie than mine...

http://www.autonet.ca/autos/search/galleries/2011/03/25/pf-17754421.html

Curbside Car Porn: Whole Foods(tamp card) Edition

So I figured it was about time for another installment for the short attention span set. This time, I just tried out a little experiment; how many cars of note can I find in the Venice Whole Food(stamp Card) parking lot on a single visit? It absolutely didn't come out of a sheer lazy initiative to just get another one done... I thought it would illustrate the 'cartopia' that Los Angeles really is, I swear!

Which it should be, because living with the drivers of these fine examples is really for the birds...not these folks in particular, but chances are...

I actually saw this and remembered these rare coupes from
my brick fetish days. I'm almost certain I've never seen
one in person before today. It also reminded me:
'hey, don't I do a photo section in my auto blog?'

68 Conti Sucide Door Convertible - just so right...

Makes a handy pickup truck in this condition, too.
The owner was really nice. 

I was on my way to photograph the next car when this one
jumped out and said 'me first'.  Try to photograph a Ford and 

a Maserati gets in your way, that's just how it is...

There are so many of these things around here, it's ridiculous.
We literally have a dealership that basically only sells them,
in this condition, on Lincoln Blvd. 

All of the Maserati in the world isn't going to get you a
parking space here any quicker - I had to laugh,
this was probably the guy's fourth pass down a lane
looking for a spot - that I saw, at least.

Benzes like this one in this kind of condition are so common
here, I forget sometimes they're a rarer treat elsewhere. 

Love those classic Mercedes lines. 

V70R that I nearly waltzed right past. I almost wrote it off as a
'badge engineering' example until I saw the meats underneath.
Boring, if you think AWD and 245hp in a DL package
snooze worthy...

What's this? Well, the Maserati had finally found a spot; I had
a shot of 7 spots in a row that were filled with Bimmer, Bimmer,
Benz, Maserati, Bimmer, Benz, Bimmer all lined up; then a
security guard came over to shut my little photo session down.
Whole Paycheck doesn't like photos, so I thought I'd get one
of one of their funnier signs...No, sir, you'll be leaving my
'shrimp' quite alone, and I'd prefer if you didn't refer to it
as such...It's magnificent and frightens the womenfolk...

project: Buick Roadmaster, Part Three: What To Do With It

"So of course CID has a brand new toy and thinks it's the bestest thing since slice bread. Wait till he has to deal with the reality, he'll be pining for that Honda soon enough. Retard...don't you know lightest car wins, because Chapman?"

Actually, the Buick has soldiered on for nearly a year. So far, it's required two oil changes, new rear end fluid, gasket, and LSD additive (not that kind of LSD additive, or else it wouldn't have gone into the rear axle housing, I can tell you that). The car still gets 25mpg at 65 and 23.5-24 at speeds over 70. Given the long life of the spark plugs in this configuration, and that the mileage is up to par, I haven't even checked the plugs on this thing yet. I'm sure the Sea Foam treatment cleaned whatever deposits it might have had off.

In any case, so far, so good. The Buick had a few problems typical of a 1000 dollar car, but in most regards I made out like a bandit. The car even has a built in code reader in the climate control unit if you know how to access it, but there haven't been any persistent SES lights to use it on.

The B Bodies were GM doing what it knew best in a market that demanded a high level of initial quality. As a GM enthusiast I can tell you these bodies built in Arlington, Texas, are the equal of anything GM ever put out up until this point. It's a damn shame the line was converted to truck duty, but that's a longstanding gripe I'll avoid getting into here.

But these cars were GM's answer to the need for a family sedan that would last a lifetime if need be. And the service life of the cars are as good as any modern offering - 300k miles and more. So don't let the 'only Japanese and German cars are worth having because they're the only ones capable of any decent quality standard' crowd dissuade you from these cars merely because they come from a Detroit design house. While they might not be the most sophisticated things in the world, sturdiness is apparent throughout.

The car has so far gone to New Orleans - home to some of the worst roads anywhere - and back, completely loaded to the gills on the way there, and overloaded to the gills on the way back with an extra passenger and his gear. 23mpg average while not sparing the foot on occasion for passing. Sweet.

So where now?

I've already modified the car a little. My budget was pretty much almost nothing, then absolutely nothing, and soon I'll put in just a little. Still, the returns have been great, and the scuttlebutt on the net about these being Fox Mustang level mod platforms don't seem to be all hot air after all.

So far, for a piddling 40 bucks or so, I've done the famed Home Plate, First Base, and Muffler Delete mods, ported the airbox, added a Spectre air filter that has proven to be equal to the K&N stuff if not better, and added the front body mounts (or rather, free wooden approximations; while hack, it's entirely safe, reversible, effective, and again, FREE!).

The basic premise here is to take the car and keep what's good about it, and shore up where the factory phoned it in. Proper tires (either wide meats for the stock wheels or Impala SS items) and aftermarket lower control arms will make the car dance. I'll take the car for smog with the current mods on it and see what I can get away with, but for now suspension, brakes, and grip are on the list. The car is already quick (faster than my Si while weighing a full ton more than it); I want it to be more of a 'complete' modern ride before I attempt to make it faster in a straight line.

That, however, won't be hard. Many good cams are available that will pass smog and were designed for these heavy cars to keep the torque band down low. I'm investigating smog legal headers; I'm also investigating registering the car somewhere with more lax smog laws. I'm wondering if long tube headers and high flow cats would pass a visual roadside inspection; by far, the stock exhaust manifolds and the tame, torquey, geriatric-friendly cam are the bottlenecks in the LT1.

That's the star of this show, by the way. The tuner friendly nature of this motor is a godsend - not much is necessary beyond some cheap software and a cable (and a functioning laptop, granted, but for once this caveat doesn't screw me, personally) keeps you from full access to the PCM. Not just the engine parameters, but adjusting the speedo for gear/tire changes, shift points and hardness, etc. Some manufacturers' ECUs are so tightly encrypted you're basically looking at Megasquirt or better. No big cash investment (even by my standards) or hacking necessary here; just plug and play.

Other than the water pump, block, and heads, everything on this motor is standard issue Small Block Chevy. Want an all forged 383 rotating assembly? Yours for less than the price of a used D16 shipped to your door. God Bless America.

Eventually I'll even jump the biggest chasm in the B Body's list of shortcomings - the lack of a manual transmission option. While the T56 is the obvious choice, it's not a direct drop in, it's very expensive, and I happen to have a proven 5 speed that's survived between countless SBC swaps in my garage as we speak. It's the W series from a Toyota Supra, and laugh if you want to, it'll eat your T5 World Class' lunch. Good for ~350lb-ft of torque, or only about 35lb ft off the spec of a T56. This is a great, easy shifting trans that will be a unique addition to this car, unlike the more muscle car like shifting of the beefy T56.

Basically I want a Camaro with four doors and a big ass trunk. I want to be able to run canyons in this car just like I did with my Si and 240D (the latter of which no one thought would be a good car for canyon runs, either). I want to have a modern American hot rod done to satisfy the discerning car guy, who's dated around on the other side of the pond (ponds?). I want it to turn and brake like a modern car - and indeed, the aging brake components are surprisingly capable, so I imagine good, fresh fluid (ATE Blue), fresh rotors and good pads (EBC or Hawk) would help things along just fine.

Turning is actually not that bad stock. The B Body designation may date in basic form to 1958 but has been slowly updated ever since, last significant changes occurring in 91. The most glaring obstacles are the damn tires - 225 75 15s are not CID Vicious friendly tires. I have to reign in my base desires. Either 275-60-15s or Impala SS wheels are in store to fix this. There's no seeing what the actual chassis is capable of until these damned baloneys are put out to pasture.

The other glaring piece of the handling puzzle so far are the lower control arms, which even when brand new can be flexed by hand. BMRs so far seem to be the best value for money, and will both work to fix wheel hop and handling woes caused by the flexing LCAs. The rear uppers are left stock according to common wisdom unless you're going for a drag-only setup. Fine by me - I'm a cheapskate.

That's probably the last/best thing about this car so far: I have negative money in this car. I've made money on owning it so far. My quarter panel was backed into, paid out by the insurance company to the tune of 1450 bucks, and I simply pushed the dent back out and used the money for living expenses. At most, I have -250 bucks into the car as it sits, counting every quart of oil and all that. Not bad. I have to spend money on this thing to break even on it! I figure once I have the cash to pony up for the SS wheels I'll have maybe 200 bucks into the car, 350 with LCAs. Damn. Really wish I'd bought something more Jalopnik approved now.

What I'll have in the end is kind of a Poor Man's Caddy CTS-V. American lux on the outside, muscle/sports car on the inside. Simple motor mods, the stick transplant (which might end up being a T56 anyway), some gears, make it turn and stop. Do it without breaking the bank. Keep the basic goodness of the platform - the simple usefulness of the car. I don't have to chase phantoms and people with more money than sense, I just have to build a car I like and can use. I don't have to chase Vettes in this thing, or be edged out of taking the podium at an autocross by an AWD Porsche at a Vette meet or anything. But if I wanted to, and wanted to use this car to do it, I certainly can:

Next up, discussing Stage Zero (the un-fun maintenance issues) and Stage Point Five, (free/cheap mods!)  Stage One will be wheels and LCA install.

Project: Buick Roadmaster, Part Two: What It Is

"It is what it is." - CID Vicious family saying.

One good Craigslist run later...

So I managed to bitch and moan about what my previous cars didn't do right for me, I'll just get to what this car does so right, and why I think the demise of the classic American Full Size Full Frame Car is premature.

The Buick Roadmaster is the stablemate of the 94-96 Impala SS, the 91-96 Caprice they're based off of, and also a few Oldsmobile wagons and Caddy Fleetwoods of the same era. Mostly I'm concerned with the first association; the Impala SS is still a desirable car today and was extremely so when they came out. While Americans made do with repainting and rebuilding old rides, when one of the factories offered up a performance slanted large family sedan - THE archetypal American ride, if not the wagon variant - it simply got noticed. "Oh, yeah, we used to build these things, and they pretty much rocked."

Screw you foreign car snobs, The Dark Lord of the Sith knows
which ride reaches hyperspeed in the fewest Parsecs
- which totally aren't units of distance, btw. 

Ford even belatedly got into the game with the Mercury Marauder, which didn't compete all that well, even though the only 'competition' had been canceled years earlier by short sited beancounters eager for SUV production capacity. Chrysler saw the writing on the wall, more or less jacked Mercedes for a RWD platform and has said 'hey, the Nancys over at Ford and GM can make all the hot hatches and hybrids they want, but when you wanted a legit, 'Mercan, V8 powered Hooligan Sled, you know where to come to." While the Panther and Charger platforms are nice and all, the former lacks a real, OHV, large displacement V8 engine, and the latter lacks a body on frame design and rear axle. While that last bit sounds out of place to many bench racers, try stuffing an IRS RWD sedan full of gear and hitting highway speeds without a complex and expensive to maintain self leveling suspension. The truck roots of the design are a detriment in some respects, and an attribute in others. More on this later.

However, though I did play dumb for a minute, just hoping, through one of those 'Moneygram me 2 grand and I'll sell you and impossible ride' scams, I eventually just embraced reality; I'm a 'poor man' by most metrics. Thus I need the 'poor man's Impala SS'.

Most folks would go 'um, yeah, dummy, that's the Caprice'. And on paper, I did want a 9C1; lighter by just a bit than the Roadie, everything you wanted mechanically about the SS besides the wheels, etc, etc. I actually originally started posting under the name CID Vicious over on 9C1.net. I'm aware. I've even owned one already.

I had a 94 9C1 at the time, and it was typical; long sordid title history including taxi time. It was a 'seems solid, but only time will tell what can of worms awaits here' proposition. Maybe it hadn't been beaten to hell yet; the lack of the G80 posi and vinyl interior meant it was likely a municipal car, but never, ever discount taxi service; trust me, I've done that work, and worked for the companies that run them. If you don't know the history from the mechanic at the taxi company, it's a crap shoot.

So the Roadmaster seemed a safe bet. Never a target for most taxi companies. All Roadies came with 5.7l motors except 91 wagons. Tended to be bought by an older, better heeled crowd.

At first I just wanted the simpler, more 'working man' looks of the Chevy (who I always though partially survived in the markets by simply having some of the best lines in the business, no matter what those lines might have been hiding). And I never like having the heavier version of anything if I can avoid it, but more often than not the lightest in the line and the highest performing aren't just not the same vehicle, but on different ends of the spectrum; for instance, the CRX Si weighed in at 2150lbs, but the HF was around 1900. The HF was a dog compared to the Si in all respects, though, aside from fuel consumption.

However, that's not the case here; the Impala SS and a Caprice with similar options weigh in at pretty much 4050 lbs. The Roadie has about 150lbs of extra stuff and isn't any faster than the SS, slower in all honesty. However, if you can buy me an SS for the 1000 bucks I got this 94 Roadmaster Limited for, I'll sell this in a heartbeat. Until then...

However, there was one last concern that sealed the deal for the Roadmaster; one of the things I noticed when I got said CRX was this - all of a sudden I had a lot more people looking at me in a way I could do without. Cops. Various curious Honda enthusiasts 'of different stripes' - say what you want, but I was warned by a former gangbanger who raced those cars back in the day when they were the new hot thing, "do whatever you want to that car, man, but be careful. If they like what they see, they'll take it from you." I can pull the 'educated white guy, can't we all just get along' wool over my eyes, or I can listen to the guy from the hood that's friends with a few guys with storage units full of hot Honda parts. Hmmm...

Caprices are also cars that get 'looked at' by 'hood types' and 'Cop types'. The former isn't that much of a concern for me - I'm not planning on putting dubs (or even worse, 'donk' wheels) on my car, and I don't go for gaudy mods or big stereos, so I'm much of a concern for them, either. The cops thinking I'm some wannabe drug dealer, though, I do have a problem with. And sadly, that's a large enough percentage of the late model Caprice owners to be a concern.

Oh, CID, you're just being cynical...

It also looks quite a bit like an Impala SS, diluting the sleeper capability.

Before my CRX, I had a Mercedes 240D. No one noticed that car, unless you had a Euro something or another on the highway that certainly wasn't supposed to be getting passed by 'one of the slowest cars ever made in the semi-modern era'. Cops and jackoff wannabe racers that see anyone hitting the gas as 'wanna race?' never noticed, and I simply made great time door to door unhindered. The CRX was faster, but all of a sudden the Honda Club of Wherethefuckever would be in hot pursuit any time I was just trying to get from point A to point B in a fairly rapid manner. Any randomly passing cop thinks it's two dipshits in a race, and before I can even say 'what the fuck?' now I'm getting a citation for illegal speed contest or something.

In other words, sleepers rock. The Roadmaster it is, then. But at first, I wasn't finding a good one for the money.

I'd been looking and even gotten to considering (wrongly) that I should go with the TBI Gen I motor cars made from 91-93. Then it came up on Craigslist; 94 Roadmaster, LT1, 130k miles, some body damage. I called up, the guy answered a bit startled - "Damn, I just put the ad up! Got any questions?"

"Yeah, what's the body damage?"

"Superficial swipe down the passenger side, all on the stainless trim, and a small hole in the rear bumper."

"Fine by me - what's your bottom line?"

"Bring a grand and it's yours."

Funnily enough this was the guy's second Roadmaster, his was a 96 model and he'd wanted this one for it's transmission. However enough had been changed to where the shop basically said to just rebuild the one he had, and the car sat until he got tired of looking at it. Until I wanted a Roadie, apparently.

After getting it home and going over the build label, I found out that I was unusually lucky.

Not only was the G80 posi unit there, but the towing package (including self leveling shocks for the rear suspension) with extra trans cooler and mechanical fan. The Gran Touring suspension (better, not quite as good as the stock Impala SS stuff but not the sway-bar-less base setup either), aluminum wheels.

Not to mention the stock LT1 B-Body stuff, like the stainless steel dual exhaust.

So let's see;
- LT1 V8 putting out 260hp and 335lb-ft
- dual exhaust
- positraction rear
- air shocks (computer controlled, but air shocks nonetheless!)
- 15 seconds flat in the quarter even with dog gears and balonies

Who knew Grampa was a gearhead.

Oh, and while we're getting our cake and eating it too, it had 130k old man miles on it; I even found a Teamsters Local pin in the car cleaning it out, and it was last registered in Arizona, Old Fart Citadel of the Southwest. No ham handed cops or lead footed cabbies have abused this car, leaving such shenanigans to me! I've never seen a car eat up a bottle of Seafoam and put out almost nothing like this car did. It's like it was simply sitting there waiting for me to pick it up and make it into a down-low hot rod.

Why did I get the Buick? Well, I wanted a certain set of capabilities. I wanted a big interior for me and my dog and my passengers that would also allow for me to sleep over in it when necessary. I wanted a large trunk to swallow cargo and keep it hidden from prying eyes. I wanted decent mileage, very good durability and reliability, good parts availability, and a platform that would easily handle my needs and various conditions met while traveling.

I also wanted to be able to take the same vehicle and have some fun with it. Wrench on it, hop it up, go canyon carving or drag racing or whatever with it when I can. I also wanted a V8, preferably a Chevy. Because I'm basically still that stupid guy in high school that wants to crank up White Zombie, stomp the gas with open pipes from a few lights on the way to band practice and just be fuckin' AWESOME.

Dammit, Spose, I wasn't really...never mind.

Oh, and I want all of the Cake, and all of the Eat It Too.

Can't have it, right? Wrong. Actually, the B-Body platform is perfect for this. The Roadie not only meets the requirements listed above, it's capable of towing up to 5000lbs, a capability I'd like to keep if possible.

In less boring terms, not only do I have seating for six, cargo space for the duration, and towing capability, well, let's just say that if I ever wanted to verify why it is that you really can't just 'hop up your car and run from the cops' anymore, having a car that doesn't require much to beat up on a Crown Vic Police Interceptor would be a good place to start. 140mph with better speed rated tires and a CPU reflash to get rid of the limiter with everything else left stock; change the rear gears to 3.42 or better and be able to hit 155mph with a stock motor.

In other words, this:

Maybe eventually some of this. Towing, of course, is so boring:

Yeah, Grandpa indeed. Thing is, Gramps was a Marine and was jumping out of helicopters doing Rambo shit before you were even born, sonny - before even meeting Grammy and settling down and managing not to strangle you little sissies this entire time. He's actually pretty badass, confident, from a time when men were men, were expected to exude a little class even when from humble roots, be entirely capable, and even ready to rumble on occasion.

This, my friend, is the Buick Roadmaster. Snicker now. Or just wait until Part Three: What To Do With It.

Project: Buick Roadmaster, Part One: What It's Not

So yeah, while I had my mind reading helmet on just a minute ago, I caught you thinking 'yeah, CID, sure, The Actually Smart Car Blog and all of that, and your project is...a Buick? [Snicker], dude, I think I'm going to go adjust the BOV on my Volvo and then masturbate to Jalopnik...again."

Yeah, yeah, fucking yeah.

Believe me, this isn't my first rodeo. I've now been studying the fine art of hot rodding since before many of the current crop of internet noobs was even born. I did start very early, though - my dad took me on a few runs in his 64 2 door post Nova with a built 350. Before I could read, I was nosing around Hot Rod magazine and the like, and when I could read, well, that and all of those National Geographics Grandma kicked down every visit kept me busy with subjects that were pretty much over my head at the time.

Still, I had years in of being a noob before a lot of the people my age were even aware that the engine in their car was even a thing. I've put a lot of time in the 'stupid car ideas' black hole to throw time into. I was figuring out the fine art of choosing the proper gear ratio back when most of my classmates were like 'yeah, a car, right...I'll have one of those someday. With like nine cylinders, yo.'

When I started out, all I wanted was a bad ass Chevy like my dad had. As a matter of fact, I wanted his Nova, which Dad rightly knew was a death sentence to a stupid freshly licensed kid. However I was also into playing guitar and having something approaching a social life, so I often went with a 'more economical' vehicle than the Camaro, Nova, Caprice, or Monte I might have wanted to cruise around in. I thought it best to be frugal on gas when regular was ~1.50 a gallon, and anything reliably getting 30mpg or more was still pretty expensive. After all, my car previous to the Buick - a 91 CRX Si - was a mere 8 years old at the time and worth plenty more than the 833 bucks I paid for my example last year.

In retrospect, it's False Economy in it's natural habitat - a fool's pockets. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have just bought the gnarliest rod project I could afford and have enjoyed until gas got up to 3 bucks a gallon, by which time there were still people with pockets full of house flipping money to sell such a ride to. Oh well.

First was the 90 Cherokee Sport, which boasted a pretty decent at the time 20mpg and a 5 speed stick, which was the shit when it came time for burnouts. However, I let my buddy talk me into taking a $5000 loan for that thing; in reality, cruising around in a big block Caddy would have been more economical in the year it took me to relent and give the Jeep over to the guy that'd lent me the money for it.

There was the typical string of 'bangers that followed, chasing the elusive 'just as good as [blank] and within my budget!' will-o-the-wisp. You know this one - you're going to build/turbo the life out of a four bangin', lightweight little car that's somehow still going to get econo car mileage and be as reliable as it was the day the factory put it out as they intended - as a sub 100hp commuting product for cubicle dwellers and housewives. Oh, and since we're so worried about mileage and reliability and how many cylinders the motor has - as things like the cost of replacing spark plugs, wires, things like that and how they add up tend to creep into these hallucinatory free associations of automotive theorization - the car had better be pretty cheap to buy, too.

Quality, speed, price. Pick any two.

These cars do exist, by the by, if only in the misfiring synapses of people who've read many, many, far too many (really) car magazines. They tend to be powered by Dilithium Crystals (or maybe just lithium salts?), plated in unobtainium (fuck you, Cameron, that was a legit piece of the automotive lexicon before you and your goofy blue movie acted like you invented it), and of course upholstered in the famed Unicorn Hide.

After realizing that my magic 300hp super reliable 40mpg 1800lb turbodiesel sport wagon that could be bought handily on Craigslist for under 3k simply didn't exist, I tried a variety of compromises, and learned that that's pretty much consideration one in automotive design; not  'are we going to have to compromise on this design?' but 'how must we compromise on this design in order to actually deliver a product that the end user can both afford and actually put to use?' They're not a byproduct of design - they're the impetus for it.

In the end, tiny little runabouts are just that; tiny little runabouts. They might be as go-kart-like as you'd wish, but they still have their compromises. My Si was a great example; maybe the ultimate Geek Hatch, it still could only accommodate some of my needs some of the time, and still didn't get 40mpg (33 rated by the EPA highway). Even if the lack of passenger seating, crash protection (especially for my dog, who invariably rides in the back of whatever I'm driving), cargo space (decent, but all that's keeping my laptop and guitar equipment from any sticky fingers walking by in the greater LA area is a piece of easily breakable glass), the sheer lack of everyday ability, didn't bother me, the reality of turning into a giant killer as planned eventually did. Imagine that.

Unless I didn't care about getting my car impounded for illegal equipment (laugh all you want but it's a reality in LA county for Honda enthusiasts in particular) the cheap-o turbo from the junkyard wasn't an option. Building a D series is doable, but eventually you just look at it and go 'screw it, motor swap'. A few grand later, your car is now a prime candidate to be stolen the first time the wrong person notices what motor you're checking the oil on at the gas station. Want to sell it swapped and be able to recoup the investment? Eh, maybe, if you find a buyer. Oftentimes the person who swaps the motor in ends up taking a loss and the next owner makes out like a bandit. Best to be the latter in my opinion.

That's all IF I want a ride that's basically built to be an urban runabout with better than average cargo capability - for a 2 seater under 2200lbs. If I never intended on having more than one other passenger, and I'd better not have my dog AND groceries if I even want that one passenger aboard. See where this is going?

Let's just fast forward the tape here and say that the Buick was my answer to the above conundrum. Aside from a Subie I've tried many different avenues of 'hip car guy' approved rides, from turbo Volvos to diesel Benzes to hotted up Civics and a mildly built SE-R. Don't get me started on the trio of MR2s From Hell.

While the fuel efficiency of any given car has been pretty paramount in my considerations, let me say that for even someone as broke as I am, the difference between 30mpg and 25mpg isn't that much; especially if you'd like the 30mpg motor to produce the 25mpg motor's horsepower. (At which time, it'll likely make the same 25mpg, but I digress...) So, while the jump from a 1.6l Honda to a 5.7l Buick/Chevy seems huge, in reality if I want the power it's cheaper from the bigger motor. How much are you going to spend on the magic 300hp turbo four that's going to run without blowing up the first time you attempt to build one? How much gas would that buy? See what I'm saying? And the 260hp in the LT1 in my car? That's already there. It's not very theoretical.

Known quantities just folking ROCK, dude.

In the end, I just needed more car than a compact could provide. And fours in midsize cars are usually slugs. And sixes don't get phenomenally better gas mileage than a good V8.

A good sized motor can support a good sized car, and I often find myself traveling on a moment's notice to random areas of the country, and accommodations sometimes simply aren't waiting. I originally bought the Buick for two reasons; the sheer width (I'd assumed, wrongly, that sleeping in the back seat would be doable for my 6'2" frame) and the 20 cubic foot trunk. While the back seat didn't prove as comfy as I'd wished for sleeping, the front passenger seat does a fine job. The trunk is still a trunk, and has that whole 'trunk thing' held down.

Doesn't sound like much, but I've slept in Beetles. Rabbits. Civics (Three! Four, counting the CRX!). The SE-R would see duty like this when I did security at night (earning my pay in a responsible manner, I assure you). All were good for one shot deals, but more than a single night in any of them inevitable wreaked havoc on my knees and back. The Mercedes 240D was where I found my first good match, again, front seat in a car that had seats designed for comfort, not so much a 'fail on both attempts compromise on both sport seat pretense and everyday comfort' design present on the above models mentioned. If you're not my size and don't often sleep over in your car, the 'generic Japanese/Euro front compact car seat' is fine enough of a compromise, but again, day two of that and you'll be pining for the 'Grandpamobile' Buick.

So I managed a whole post without even mentioning the whole reason for the project, why the Buick was chosen out of a Los Angeles area Craigslist worth of competitors, and, again, "why should we care? Jalopnik has yet another 'light weight equal good' write up, and they coddle me - CID, you're just mean, and we suspect, an old man."

Get offa my lawn until Part Two: What It Is, ya pinko commie Eurotrash hipster fanboy. Leno's coming on, and I have to be up at 4 am for a Denny's Grand Sla...I mean, stay up all night with Barely 18 type chicks doing coke and spending mom and dad's trust money, right, um....

Curbside Car Porn

Ok, ok...so every post can't be as verbose as I'd like it to be. In an effort to offer a bit to everyone, I'd like to offer a 'traditional' car blog type photo post every now and then, and one of these series is 'Curbside Car Porn'.

I realized just walking around a small bit of real estate in Los Angeles, I come across so many notable rides that I've become somewhat numb to their presence - if I were stuck back living on Long Island, though, I doubt I'd be so blasé about them - and I thought about what a dick I'd seem like to some kid in rural Kansas where a 'really cool car' might be something way less cool than, say, this late model Porsche 'Speedster'.

In Kansas: "Wow! Neat car, dude!"
In L.A.: "Wow! Having a nice midlife crisis, are we?"

This particular car has a lot of aftermarket/race stuff on it; I'm not sure to what degree it's been modified but I've heard the guy around town flogging the flat six. Beats a 'kick ass' 92 Z24 with a fart pipe and light up windshield washers installed, I'll say that.

So I figured I'd share the wealth, such as it is, with all of you out there. LA living isn't all it's cracked up to be - getting to know your local gang members, buying your car back from Bruffy's, telling what season it is by the disasters being visited upon the city rather than any actual discernible difference in weather...

(If you know of/are the owner of this comic,
please let me know and I'll link to/credit you properly)

...being a car guy is one of the few things that makes LA tolerable. Great driving roads within a short distance, the cars don't rot, and if you like vintage or unusual iron (for 'real America'), it's a great place to be.

Oh, wait, right, shut up and get to the photos already....

196? Mercury Marauder

Walking by, all you see is 'classic boat'....

Unless you're paying attention, that is...IMO
way cooler than the Panther based also-rans.

Shelby GT500KR

This is what I mean. What my cousin back
east would give to see one of these on his way
to his morning cup-a-joe.

The ultimate in rare vintage Mustangs, just waiting to be
gawked at like a horny teenager.

The Last K-Car this clean on Earth

YOU find another K car this clean - this
thing is actually freakier than the Speedster
when you think about it!

60's Suicide Door Continental

One of the few classic Fords I truly covet.
Convert the 460 to a 5.0 HO/AOD and
it'd be a fine cruiser with decent mileage.

Anyway, stay tuned for another Curbside Car Porn. I'm seeing drool-worthy cars of all stripes all the time, and they'll be here to share!

- CID Vicious