So yeah, while I had my mind reading helmet on just a minute ago, I caught you thinking 'yeah, CID, sure, The Actually Smart Car Blog and all of that, and your project is...a Buick? [Snicker], dude, I think I'm going to go adjust the BOV on my Volvo and then masturbate to Jalopnik...again."
Yeah, yeah, fucking yeah.
Believe me, this isn't my first rodeo. I've now been studying the fine art of hot rodding since before many of the current crop of internet noobs was even born. I did start very early, though - my dad took me on a few runs in his 64 2 door post Nova with a built 350. Before I could read, I was nosing around Hot Rod magazine and the like, and when I could read, well, that and all of those National Geographics Grandma kicked down every visit kept me busy with subjects that were pretty much over my head at the time.
Still, I had years in of being a noob before a lot of the people my age were even aware that the engine in their car was even a thing. I've put a lot of time in the 'stupid car ideas' black hole to throw time into. I was figuring out the fine art of choosing the proper gear ratio back when most of my classmates were like 'yeah, a car, right...I'll have one of those someday. With like nine cylinders, yo.'
When I started out, all I wanted was a bad ass Chevy like my dad had. As a matter of fact, I wanted his Nova, which Dad rightly knew was a death sentence to a stupid freshly licensed kid. However I was also into playing guitar and having something approaching a social life, so I often went with a 'more economical' vehicle than the Camaro, Nova, Caprice, or Monte I might have wanted to cruise around in. I thought it best to be frugal on gas when regular was ~1.50 a gallon, and anything reliably getting 30mpg or more was still pretty expensive. After all, my car previous to the Buick - a 91 CRX Si - was a mere 8 years old at the time and worth plenty more than the 833 bucks I paid for my example last year.
In retrospect, it's False Economy in it's natural habitat - a fool's pockets. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have just bought the gnarliest rod project I could afford and have enjoyed until gas got up to 3 bucks a gallon, by which time there were still people with pockets full of house flipping money to sell such a ride to. Oh well.
First was the 90 Cherokee Sport, which boasted a pretty decent at the time 20mpg and a 5 speed stick, which was the shit when it came time for burnouts. However, I let my buddy talk me into taking a $5000 loan for that thing; in reality, cruising around in a big block Caddy would have been more economical in the year it took me to relent and give the Jeep over to the guy that'd lent me the money for it.
There was the typical string of 'bangers that followed, chasing the elusive 'just as good as [blank] and within my budget!' will-o-the-wisp. You know this one - you're going to build/turbo the life out of a four bangin', lightweight little car that's somehow still going to get econo car mileage and be as reliable as it was the day the factory put it out as they intended - as a sub 100hp commuting product for cubicle dwellers and housewives. Oh, and since we're so worried about mileage and reliability and how many cylinders the motor has - as things like the cost of replacing spark plugs, wires, things like that and how they add up tend to creep into these hallucinatory free associations of automotive theorization - the car had better be pretty cheap to buy, too.
Quality, speed, price. Pick any two.
These cars do exist, by the by, if only in the misfiring synapses of people who've read many, many, far too many (really) car magazines. They tend to be powered by Dilithium Crystals (or maybe just lithium salts?), plated in unobtainium (fuck you, Cameron, that was a legit piece of the automotive lexicon before you and your goofy blue movie acted like you invented it), and of course upholstered in the famed Unicorn Hide.
After realizing that my magic 300hp super reliable 40mpg 1800lb turbodiesel sport wagon that could be bought handily on Craigslist for under 3k simply didn't exist, I tried a variety of compromises, and learned that that's pretty much consideration one in automotive design; not 'are we going to have to compromise on this design?' but 'how must we compromise on this design in order to actually deliver a product that the end user can both afford and actually put to use?' They're not a byproduct of design - they're the impetus for it.
In the end, tiny little runabouts are just that; tiny little runabouts. They might be as go-kart-like as you'd wish, but they still have their compromises. My Si was a great example; maybe the ultimate Geek Hatch, it still could only accommodate some of my needs some of the time, and still didn't get 40mpg (33 rated by the EPA highway). Even if the lack of passenger seating, crash protection (especially for my dog, who invariably rides in the back of whatever I'm driving), cargo space (decent, but all that's keeping my laptop and guitar equipment from any sticky fingers walking by in the greater LA area is a piece of easily breakable glass), the sheer lack of everyday ability, didn't bother me, the reality of turning into a giant killer as planned eventually did. Imagine that.
Unless I didn't care about getting my car impounded for illegal equipment (laugh all you want but it's a reality in LA county for Honda enthusiasts in particular) the cheap-o turbo from the junkyard wasn't an option. Building a D series is doable, but eventually you just look at it and go 'screw it, motor swap'. A few grand later, your car is now a prime candidate to be stolen the first time the wrong person notices what motor you're checking the oil on at the gas station. Want to sell it swapped and be able to recoup the investment? Eh, maybe, if you find a buyer. Oftentimes the person who swaps the motor in ends up taking a loss and the next owner makes out like a bandit. Best to be the latter in my opinion.
That's all IF I want a ride that's basically built to be an urban runabout with better than average cargo capability - for a 2 seater under 2200lbs. If I never intended on having more than one other passenger, and I'd better not have my dog AND groceries if I even want that one passenger aboard. See where this is going?
Let's just fast forward the tape here and say that the Buick was my answer to the above conundrum. Aside from a Subie I've tried many different avenues of 'hip car guy' approved rides, from turbo Volvos to diesel Benzes to hotted up Civics and a mildly built SE-R. Don't get me started on the trio of MR2s From Hell.
While the fuel efficiency of any given car has been pretty paramount in my considerations, let me say that for even someone as broke as I am, the difference between 30mpg and 25mpg isn't that much; especially if you'd like the 30mpg motor to produce the 25mpg motor's horsepower. (At which time, it'll likely make the same 25mpg, but I digress...) So, while the jump from a 1.6l Honda to a 5.7l Buick/Chevy seems huge, in reality if I want the power it's cheaper from the bigger motor. How much are you going to spend on the magic 300hp turbo four that's going to run without blowing up the first time you attempt to build one? How much gas would that buy? See what I'm saying? And the 260hp in the LT1 in my car? That's already there. It's not very theoretical.
Known quantities just folking ROCK, dude.
In the end, I just needed more car than a compact could provide. And fours in midsize cars are usually slugs. And sixes don't get phenomenally better gas mileage than a good V8.
A good sized motor can support a good sized car, and I often find myself traveling on a moment's notice to random areas of the country, and accommodations sometimes simply aren't waiting. I originally bought the Buick for two reasons; the sheer width (I'd assumed, wrongly, that sleeping in the back seat would be doable for my 6'2" frame) and the 20 cubic foot trunk. While the back seat didn't prove as comfy as I'd wished for sleeping, the front passenger seat does a fine job. The trunk is still a trunk, and has that whole 'trunk thing' held down.
Doesn't sound like much, but I've slept in Beetles. Rabbits. Civics (Three! Four, counting the CRX!). The SE-R would see duty like this when I did security at night (earning my pay in a responsible manner, I assure you). All were good for one shot deals, but more than a single night in any of them inevitable wreaked havoc on my knees and back. The Mercedes 240D was where I found my first good match, again, front seat in a car that had seats designed for comfort, not so much a 'fail on both attempts compromise on both sport seat pretense and everyday comfort' design present on the above models mentioned. If you're not my size and don't often sleep over in your car, the 'generic Japanese/Euro front compact car seat' is fine enough of a compromise, but again, day two of that and you'll be pining for the 'Grandpamobile' Buick.
So I managed a whole post without even mentioning the whole reason for the project, why the Buick was chosen out of a Los Angeles area Craigslist worth of competitors, and, again, "why should we care? Jalopnik has yet another 'light weight equal good' write up, and they coddle me - CID, you're just mean, and we suspect, an old man."
Get offa my lawn until Part Two: What It Is, ya pinko commie Eurotrash hipster fanboy. Leno's coming on, and I have to be up at 4 am for a Denny's Grand Sla...I mean, stay up all night with Barely 18 type chicks doing coke and spending mom and dad's trust money, right, um....
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